Collected by Steven A. File from Various Sources -- Last Updated on January 5, 2003
Many of The Below Intended to be Used at the End of Email Messages -- Group Classification Not Completed Yet!
0 ---------------------- CUT HERE TO DESTROY MONITOR --------8<----------
0 -My Email Y2k Contingency Plan:  ------------------CUT HERE AND FOLD OVER TO RESPOND--------8<----------          APPLY POSTAGE AND PUT IN ANY MAILBOX
0"After all is said and done . . .   . . .   more is said than done."
0"At last . . . chaos, panic, and disorder . . .   . . . my work here is almost complete!"
0"Character is how we act when we think no one is watching."
0"Cutting edge technology is not difficult to achieve . . .  . . . it is functional technology that is . . . "  -=- Bill Gates
0"Deja Moo: That queasy feeling that you get when you've heard this bull before."
0"Do you ever get the feeling that you are using yesterday's software to create tomorrow's problems today?"
0"Ever feel like you're parked diagonally in a parallel universe?"
0"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
0"Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded."
0"Hmmmh . . . I don't believe that this is the life that I ordered . . ."
0"I only know one thing for sure . . . I know nothing."  --=--   Socrates
0"I skate to where the puck is going . . .  . . . not to where it is."  -=- Wayne Gretsky
0"If a book about how to fail doesn't sell, is it a success?"
0"If a ThinkPad is a thinking man's computer . . .  . . . then an Apple notebook must be a fruity ________'s computer  . . . " 
0"If all is not lost, then where is it?"
0"If it's really the tourist season, then why can't we shoot them?"
0"If you can't convince them . . .   . . . then confuse them."
0"If you melt enough dry ice, can you go swimming without getting wet?"
0"If you try to fail, and succeed, then which have you done?"
0"Is it really possible to be totally partial?"
0"It is not only fine feathers that make fine birds."  -=-  Aesop
0"It was all so different before everything changed."
0"Kids in the back seat cause accidents . . . . . . accidents in the back seat cause kids!"
0"Never mistake knowledge for wisdom . . .   . . . One helps you make a living; the other helps you make a life."
0"No matter where you go, there you are!"
0"Out of my mind . . . . . . be back in five minutes!"
0"Remember . . .   . . . in two days tomorrow will be yesterday." 
0"Sarcastic humor is just one more . . .  . . . of the many, many services we have to offer . . ."
0"Some days you're the dog . . .  . . .  some days you're the hydrant."
0"The best things in life aren't things."
0"The first rule of holes: 'If you are in one, stop digging'." 
0"The harder I work . . .   . . .  the luckier I get."    -=-  Thomas Edison   Revision 1999: " . . . The 'behinder I get . . . "    -=- S. File
0"There is an angel inside of me whom I am constantly shocking . . . "
0"This is almost as fun as shooting tourists and truckers . . .   . . .  with my old radar gun . . . "
0"Very funny Scotty . . . enough is enough . . .   . . . now beam me up already and get me out of here!"
0"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"
0"You're just jealous because . . .  . . . the little bitty voices are talking to me and not you!"
0To affect the quality of the day—that is the highest of arts.    Henry David Thoreau
1"<>  <---Click this button to test  . . .  Release to detonate." 
1"186,000 miles/second . . .   . . . not just a good idea, it's the LAW!"
1"All right, that's enough!   Report to the transporter room immediately for away team duty!"
1"Bad spellers of the world, Untie!"
1"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."
1"Did you hear about the accident between a Mustang and a Thunderbird?  Horse doodoo and feathers were everywhere!"
1"Did you hear about the person . . .  . . .  that sent a fax with a stamp on it for postage?"
1"Did you hear about the person . . .  . . .  that thought General Motors was in the army?"
1"Did you hear about the person . . .  . . .  that thought that Taco Bell was the Mexican telephone company?
1"Did you hear about the person . . .  . . .  thought a quarterback was a refund."
1"Did you know that Vincent Van Gogh had a  dizzy aunt ....................................Verti Gogh"
1"Did you know that Vincent Van Gogh had a ballroom dancing aunt................. ..........Tan Gogh"
1"Did you know that Vincent Van Gogh had a bird lover uncle..........................Flamin Gogh"
1"Did you know that Vincent Van Gogh had a brother who ate prunes...........Gotta Gogh"
1"Did you know that Vincent Van Gogh had a brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh"
1"Did you know that Vincent Van Gogh had a brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stop'n Gogh"
1"Did you know that Vincent Van Gogh had a constipated uncle ..............................Cant Gogh"
1"Did you know that Vincent Van Gogh had a fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh"
1"Did you know that Vincent Van Gogh had a grandfather from Yugoslavia.................. .......U Gogh"
1"Did you know that Vincent Van Gogh had a little bouncy nephew................. ......Poe Gogh"
1"Did you know that Vincent Van Gogh had a magician uncle............................Wherediddy Gogh"
1"Did you know that Vincent Van Gogh had a Mexican cousin..................................Amee Gogh"
1"Did you know that Vincent Van Gogh had a Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh"
1"Did you know that Vincent Van Gogh had a nephew psychoanalyst............................E Gogh"
1"Did you know that Vincent Van Gogh had a nephew who drove a stage coach .......... ....Wellsfar Gogh"
1"Did you know that Vincent Van Gogh had a niece who travels the country in a van......Winnie Bay Gogh"
1"Did you know that Vincent Van Gogh had a sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh"
1"Did you know that Vincent Van Gogh had an aunt who taught positive thinking.......... ....Wayto Gogh
1"How do you double the value of a Yugo?     You fill it with gas."
1"How's my emailing?  Call 1-800-000-0000."
1"If 3M and Goodyear merged . . . . . . the new company could be called 'mmmGood' ." 
1"If Denison Mines and Alliance & Metal Mining merged . . .  . . . The new company could be called 'Mine, All Mine'."
1"If Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers merged . . . . . .  the new company could be called Fairwell Honeychild." 
1"If Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants merged . . .  . . . the new company could be called 'Poupon Pants'."
1"If Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil merged . . . . . . the new company could be called 'Honey, Im Home'." 
1"If Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler merged . . .  . . . . it would be called Poly-Warner-Cracker."
1"If Xerox and Wurlitzer were to merge . . .  . . . they could make reproductive organs."
1"I'm writing a book on this subject . . .  . . . so far, I'm making a lot of progress . . .   . . .  I've got the page numbers done."
1"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
1"Send all spam email to"
1"The email address you have used is imaginary . . .  . . . please rotate your monitor 90 degrees and try again . . . "
1"The quickest way to double your money is . . .  . . . to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket."
1"Tracers work both ways."
1"Van Gough had a brother who married Florence Smith . . .   . . . now he's 'Gogh with the Flo'."
1"Van Gough had a brother who was an energetic cowboy nephew . . .   . . . they called him 'Giddup N Gogh'."
1"Van Gough had a tentatively intimate kissin' cousin . . .   . . . they called her 'Touchin' Gogh'."
1"Warning this email has specially trained pixels that . . .  . . . 092q45jgtjfdguirtpojregjfdkjlkajsdlfjlkdsjfoiudsaf981742ujdf"
1"What has four legs and an arm?   . . . A happy pit bull!"
1"What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear?      Data transfer."
1This email is brought to your by this proud sponsor: "Mop and Glow: The official floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team."
2 "A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle." -- U2
2"Aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?"
2"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" -=- Benjamin Franklin
2"Between two evils . . .   . . . I always pick the one that I never tried before."   -=-  Mae West
2"Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
2"By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me."  -=- Ashleigh Brilliant
2"Early to bed and early to rise makes a man . . .  . . . healthy,  wealthy, and an expert at making breakfast."
2"Education and intelligence are obviously not the same thing!"
2"Every election, Mickey Mouse looks better and better as President." -=- Duncan Long
2"I feel a need, . . . a need for speed"  --Tom Cruise in "Top Gun".
2"I know a guy that installed a skylight in his apartment . . .  . . . now the people who live above him are furious!"
2"I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said."  -=- William Buckley, Jr.
2"If you always do what you always did . . .  . . .  you'll always get what you always got."
2"Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole."
2"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
2"Marge, the reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think!"  -=- Homer Simpson
2"One of the greatest labour saving inventions of today is tomorrow."  -=- Vincent T. Foss
2"So how long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? Looks like he'd be done by now . . . "
2"The cardinal rule of debugging about anything:  Undo the last thing you did, and see if it works."
2"The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail."
2"The future will be better tomorrow."  -=- Dan Quayle
2"The next time we elect a president, for God's sake can we do a background check?" -==- David Letterman
2"The trouble with work is . . .  . . . it's so daily."
2"The world is full of willing people -- some willing to work and some willing to let them."  -=- Robert Frost
2"Where the heck is Boll Weevil City anyway?"
2"Whoever said 'money can't buy everything' didn't know where to shop"
2"Yesterday, I felt an urge to exercise . . .  . . . but I sat down and rested until the urge passed."  --=--  Mark Twain
2On the other hand, Rome was burned in a day.
3"5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions  . . . "
3"99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name."
3"A bikini is the closest thing to a barbed-wire fence . . .  . . . it protects the property without obstructing any of the view."
3"A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste . . . "
3"A chicken is just an egg's way . . .  . . . to produce more egg's."
3"A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer."
3"A day without sun shine is like, you know, night."
3"A flying saucer is what results when a nudist spills his coffee . . . "
3"A fool and his money are soon in office."
3"A person who smiles in the face of adversity . . .  . . . probably has a scapegoat."
3"A rock --> me <-- A hard place."
3"A twisted look may grant you new insights."
3"About the only place figures don't lie is in a bikini."
3"Above all else: Sky."
3"Accomplishing the impossible . . .  . . . means only it will get added to your regular duties."
3"According to my calculations . . .   . . . the problem doesn't exist."
3"Actually if ya think about it . . .  . . . you really don't need a whole lot of manners if you're driving a 35 ton truck."
3"After any salary raise . . .   . . .  you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before."
3"After Y2k busts us back to the Stone Age . . . I've got dibs on being the guy that controls all the sticks . . .You can have all the rocks!" 
3"An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys."
3"Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly."
3"Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . . . once."
3"Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored."
3"'Artificial Intelligence' is no match for 'Natural Stupidity'."
3"Bacon & eggs  . . .  . . . the hens may only be involved . . .  . . . but the pigs are totally committed."
3"Better living through denial . . . "
3"Car sickness . . .  . . . the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due."
3"Charm . . . . . . the ability to make someone think that both of you are wonderful."
3"Christmas is weird . . . It's the only time of year when we love to sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks."
3"Coffee, chocolate, women . . . . . . some things are just better rich."
3"Conscience . . .  . . .that part of the psyche that dissolves in alcohol."
3"Consciousness: For some people it's that annoying time between naps."
3"Corduroy pillows . . .   . . .  they're making headlines!"
3"Could those mysterious crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?"
3"Crime doesn't pay . . .  . . . but the hours are good."
3"Despite the cost of living . . .   . . . have you noticed how it remains so popular?"
3"Do radioactive cats . . .  . . . have 18 half-lives?"
3"Don't draw fire . . .  . . .  it irritates the people around you."
3"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
3"Don't ever take a fence down until you know the reason why it was put up."
3"Don't hate yourself in the morning  . . .   . . .  just sleep till noon."
3"Don't look conspicuous . . .  . . .it draws fire."
3"Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive, anyway!"
3"Don't you love the 'swooshing' sound deadlines make as they go by?"
3"Drugs may lead to nowhere . . .  . . .  but at least it's the scenic route . . . "
3"Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
3"Earth is the insane asylum for the universe."
3"Eat Well . . . stay fit . . . die anyway"
3"Even a broken watch shows the right time twice a day."
3"Ever know someone who took an IQ test and the results were negative?"
3"Ever notice how many people quit looking for work . . .  . . . after they find a job/"
3"Everybody is somebody else's weirdo."
3"Everyone has a photographic memory . . .  . . .  some people just don't have film."
3"Everything in life is mind over matter . . .  . . . if you don't mind, it doesn't matter."
3"Everything is within walking distance if you have the time."
3"Everytime I think I've hit the bottom . . .   . . .  someone lends me another shovel . . . "
3"Families are like fudge . . .   . . .  mostly sweet with a few nuts."
3"Feet Smell? Nose Run?  Hey, you're upside down!"
3"First National Bank of Dad . . . . . . sorry, closed."
3"For Sale: Parachute . . . . . . only used once, never opened . . . . . . small stain."
3"Fries my brain cells just thinking about it."
3"Get a new car for your spouse . . .  . . .it'll be a great trade."
3"Gosh . . . this is more fun . . . . . . than shooting tourists and truck drivers with a radar gun!"
3"Guns don't kill people, postal workers do."
3"Hard work brings out the character of people:  . . .  some turn up their sleeves . . . . . .  some turn up their noses . . . . . .   and some don't turn up at all!"
3"Hard work has a future payoff . . .  . . .  laziness pays off now."
3"Have you really ever seen a  . . .   . . .  bed spread?"
3"Heck . . .  just send that railroad killer to Florida . . .  . . .  we've got an electric chair that'll cook his goose!"
3"Hermits have no peer pressure."
3"How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?"
3"How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?"
3"I before E except after C. We live in a weird society!"
3"I used to have a handle on life, but it broke."
3"I'd give a thousand dollars to be one of them there millionaires!"
3"If everything seems to be going well . . .  . . .  We must have obviously overlooked something."
3"If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration . . .   . . . it seems that  I wind up sharing close spaces with a lot of bright people."
3"If horrific means to make horrible, why doesn't terrific mean to make terrible?"
3"If it's really the senior citizen season here in Florida . . .  . . . then why can't we shoot them?"
3"If we're not supposed to eat late-night snacks . . .  . . . then why is there a light in the refrigerator?"
3"If you believe that . . .  . . . I have some nice oceanfront property in Arizonia that I want to sell . . .  . . . it's near the westpole and the ocean has fresh water."
3"If you can smile when things go wrong . . .   . . . then you must have someone in mind to blame."
3"If you're the low man on the totem pole . . .   . . .  just remember that if it wasn't for you the damn thing would fall over."
3"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't . . .  . . . and a sense of humor to console him for what he is."
3"Inasmuch as the earth is 2/3 water and 1/3 land . . . . . . it seems clear that our time should be divided 2/3 fishing and 1/3 work . . . "
3"Is it time for your medication   . . . or mine?
3"Is it true that a light year has 1/3 less calories than a regular year?"
3"Is this what they mean when they say . . .  . . . don't put lipstick on a pig?"
3"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do  "practice?""
3"It is generally not advisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
3"It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial charges . . .    . . .  and then blame it on the cost of living."
3"It's not hard to meet expenses . . .   . . .  they're everywhere."
3"It's not the minutes spent at the table that makes one fat . . .  . . . it's the seconds."
3"It's so cold here, the lawyers have there hands in their own pockets!"
3"It's so hot here . . .  . . . lawyers don't have their hands in other people's pockets!"
3"Kids grow up despite their parents . . .  . . . and then along came Kathy and Greg . . . "   8>)
3"Laziness: Resting before you get tired."
3"Life . . .   . . .  it's nothing like the brochure!"
3"Light travels faster than sound . . .   . . . this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."
3"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math"
3"Luge is the only sport where you can die during the event and still win."
3"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
3"Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out."
3"Man is the only species on the face of the earth . . .   . . .  that will work so hard to be lazy . . . "
3"Men are from Mars . . . . . . women are from Venus . . . . . . then we must be on the one with the real monsters . . .  "
3"Monday is a heck of a way to spend 1/7th of your life!"
3"Money isn't everything . . . but it sure keeps the kids in touch!"
3"My computer must be a female . . .  . . . it keeps giving me this message:  'Where do you think you're going today?' "
3"Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you."
3"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups . . ."
3"No matter what happens . . .  . . . there is always someone around who knew it would."
3"No sense being pessimistic . . . it probably wouldn't work anyway!"
3"No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible."
3"Nothing makes a person more productive . . .  . . . than the last minute before a deadline."
3"Old gardeners never die . . .   . . .  they just spade away.      '
3"On the keyboard of life . . .   . . .  always keep one finger on the escape key."
3"On the other hand, you have different fingers."
3"Once upon a time there were operating systems that were stable . . .  . . . and then the marketing departments took over the release schedules and . . . "
3"One of these days we're going to think back on this . . . . . . laugh nervously . . . . . . then politely change the subject."
3"Pain and suffering is inevitable . .  . . .  but misery is optional."
3"Paper is always strongest at the perforations . . . "
3"People who think they're perfect . . .    . . .  are really very annoying to those of us who really are . . ."
3"Politicians are those who deal with problems which would not exist if they didn't exist."
3"Poor planning on their part does not constitute an emergency on my part."
3"Price . . .  Quality . . .  Service . . . Pick any two . . . "
3"Professionals built the Titanic . . .   . . .  amateurs built the Ark."
3"Quitters never win, and winners never quit . . .   . . .   but those who never quit and never win are idiots."
3"Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree."
3"Rap is to music . . . what an Etch-a-Sketch is to art."
3"Reality is the only obstacle to happiness." 
3"Remember . . .  . . . if the enemy is in range, so are you."
3"Remember . . . . . . every exit is an entrance some where else!"
3"Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings . . .   . . .  they did it by killing all those who opposed them."
3"Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses."
3"Some days you're the pigeon . . .   . . . some days you're the statue."
3"Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once."
3"Sorry, there can't be a crisis today . . .  . . .  my schedule is already full . . .  . . .  and tomorrow doesn’t look too good, either!"
3"Statistics are like bikinis . . .   . . .  what they conceal is more important than what they reveal!"
3"Talk is cheap because supply almost always exceeds demand."
3"Television is definitely a medium . . .  . . .  that's because it is neither rare nor well done."
3"Television is more interesting than people . . .  . . .  if this were not the case, then we would have people standing our living rooms".
3"The best days to drink beer are those days that end in the letter, 'Y'."
3"The best part about procrastination is that you are never bored . . .   . . .  because you have all kinds of things that you should be doing . . . "
3"The big thing on the Internet today is computer dating . . .  . . . if you don't know how to use a computer it really dates you."
3"The British have a reputation for keeping calm . . .   . . . sometimes  even when there is no crisis . . . "
3"The easy way is always mined."
3"The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on forecasters."
3"The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: 1. When you're ready for them. 2. When you're not ready for them."
3"The Meek shall inherit the earth . . .   . . . at least after we're through with it."
3"The only people to get even with are those that have helped you."
3"The only problem with mornings is that they happen too early in the day . . . "
3"The successful plan for three generations . . .  . . . the poor plan for Saturday night."
3"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe . . .  . . . is that it has never tried to contact us."
3"The trouble with political jokes is they get elected."
3"Therapy helps, but screaming obscenities is cheaper."
3"Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! . . . You choose."
3"There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation . . . "
3"There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole."
3"They say not to put all of your eggs in one basket . . .   . . . but have you ever tried to roll twelve shopping carts out of the grocery store?"
3"They say that you are put on earth to accomplish a certain amount of things . . .   . . . right now I am so far behind . . . I'll never die . . . "
3"This guy is so crooked he could hide behind a corkscrew . . . "
3"This may not be the end of the world . . .  . . . but you can sure see it from here!"
3"Those nicotine patches seem to work really well . . .   . . . but I heard that's it's kinda hard to keep em' lit."
3"Time's fun when you're having flies."  -=- Kermit the Frog
3"To err is human . . .   . . .  but to forgive is not company policy."
3"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism . . .  . . . to steal from many is research."
3"Truth is a three edged sword . . . . . . your truth . . . . . . my truth . . . . . . and reality."
3"Try to look unimportant . . .  . . .  they may be low on ammo . . ."
3"Two wrongs don't make a right . . .   . . . but two Wrights made an airplane!"
3"USA Today has come out with a new survey . . .  . . . apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population . . . "
3"Usually I try to take it one day at a time . . .   . . .  but lately several have attacked me at once..."
3"We are born naked, wet, and hungry . . . then things go downhill and get worse from there."
3"We child-proofed our home three years ago and they're STILL getting in!"
3"We've got the best government money can buy."
3"What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef!"
3"When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty."
3"When the pin is pulled . . . . . .  Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
3"Where I work you can name your own salary . . .   . . . I like to call mine Fred."
3"Wherever you are, . . . be there!"
3"Why can a draft dodger live in The White House . . .  . . . while a war combat veteran lives in a cardboard box for a home?"
3"Why can a pizza delivery order can get to your house faster than an ambulance?"
3"Why do banks chain those pens to the counters . . .  . . .  and then leave all the doors unlocked?"
3"Why do sick people have to walk all the way to the back of a drugstore to get a prescription . . .  . . . while healthy people get their cigarettes at the front?" 
3"Why do they have handicapped parking in front of an exercise club?"
3"Why do they have handicapped parking in front of an roller skating rink?"
3"Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?"
3"Why don't blind people like to sky dive?    It scares the hell out of their dog"
3"Work is for people who don't know how to fish."
3"Work is the curse of the drinking class."
3"Work is the greatest thing in the world . . .   . . . so be sure you save some for tomorrow.                     '
3"Yawn . . . . . . please wake me up when it's time for Y3K . . . . . . this one is boring me to tears  . . . "
3"You can't steal second with your foot on first."
3"You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong."
3"You don't have to out run the bear, just the other people that he's chasing!"
3"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you."
3"You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take."   -=- Wayne Gretsky
3"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
3Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
3Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
3Give blood - play hockey
3Good service is like bacon and eggs. The chicken was involved but the pig was committed. Be the pig.
3Growing Old Is Inevitable; Growing Up Is Optional
3Guests who kill their talk show hosts. On the last Donahue.
3I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
3I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
3If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
3In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take.
3Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
3Scientists say 1 of every 4 people is crazy. Check 3 friends, if  they are OK, you're it.
3Sometimes I worry about you (the rest of the time I panic)
3TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
3The Lawyer's Creed: "A man is innocent until proven broke."
4"Allow me to introduce my selves . . ."
4"Dear IRS:   Please cancel my subscription."
4"Don't blame me . . . I meander to a different drummer."
4"Don't blame me . . . in a previous life I was a hubcap on a '47 Ford, and I'm still dizzy from it . . . "
4"Don't bother me . . .  I'm in the midst of living happily ever after!"
4"Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail."
4"Elvis is dead . . . Mozart is dead . . .  Einstein is dead . . .  . . .  and I'm not feeling so great myself."
4"I didn't say it was your fault . . .   . . .   I just said I was going to blame it on you . . ."
4"I don't care how dirty it gets, I'm not changing my mind."
4"I have a great relationship with my employer . . . I pretend to work . . . They pretend to pay me."
4"I have no axe to grind . . .  . . .  but I do have an ivory letter opener that could use some sharpening . . . "
4"I love my work . . .   . . .  I could sit and watch it all day long!"be a father.
4"I owe! I owe! So off to work I go!"
4"I plead contemporary insanity . . . "
4"I used to be a doctor . . .   . . .  but I didn't have the patients."
4"I used to be a musician . . .  . . . but I wasn't noteworthy."
4"I used to work in a muffler factory . . .   . . .  until I got exhausted."
4"I used up all my sick days . . .  . . .  so I'm calling in dead."
4"I wanted to be a chef, figured it would . . .   . . .   add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme."
4"I write email like this just to make you nuts!"
4"I'm not a complete idiot, only a few parts are missing."
4"I'm not crazy . . .  I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years."
4"I'm not tense . . .  just terribly, terribly alert."
4"It may be lonely at the top, but you sure eat better!"
4"My psychoanalyst says that I'm now able accept criticism without endangering others."
4"My therapist says that it is definitely not my fault . . ."
4"Not only do I not know what's going on . . .   . . .   but I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did!"
4"Of course I don't look busy . . . I did it right the first time!"
4"Over the hill? . . .  . . . What hill . . .  . . . Funny, I don't remember seeing any hill . . ."
4"Please do not inquire as to the apparent inefficiency of my work . . .   . . .  the nature of it requires such a high degree of secrecy that I am not permitted to know what I am doing!"
4"Saw it . . . Wanted it . . . Had a fit . . . Got it!"
4"The writer of this email is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!"
4"They can't fire me . . .   . . . slaves have to be sold . . . "
4"Where there's a will . . .I want to be in it!"
4"Why du you keep saying thot I'm Dain bramaged?"
4Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I . . . 
4My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
4Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it
5"Financial planning is an oxymoron  . . ."
5"Friendly fire . . . .. isn't;."
5"Military intelligence is an oxymoron . . ."
5Is there another word for synonym?
5Sigh. Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
5The beatings will continue until morale improves.
6"Be alert . . .   . . .   the world needs more lerts."
6"But doesn't Missouri love company?"
6"Cauterize: Made eye contact with her." 
6"Clones are people, two!"
6"Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage."
6"Did you know that Vincent Van Gogh had an obnoxious brother . . .   . . . His name was . . . Please Gogh"
6"Dieters are people who are thick and tired of it."
6"Eat what you can and what you can't . . . can."
6"Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex."
6"Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high."
6"Have you ever really seen a . . .  . . .   pocket book?"
6"Have you ever really seen a . . .  . . .  fire box?"
6"Have you ever really seen a . . .  . . .  iron butterfly?"
6"Have you ever really seen a . . .  . . .  milk shake?"
6"Have you ever really seen a . . .  . . .  phone charge?"
6"Have you ever really seen a . . .  . . .  picture frame?"
6"Have you ever really seen a . . .  . . .  pocket change?"
6"Have you ever really seen a . . .  . . .  stick shift?"
6"Have you ever really seen a . . .  . . .  street sign?"
6"Have you ever really seen a . . .  . . .  toilet bowl?"
6"Have you ever really seen a . . .  . . . cross walk?"
6"Have you ever really seen a . . .  . . . dog whistle?"
6"Have you ever really seen a . . .  . . . floppy drive?"
6"Have you ever really seen a . . .  . . . gold rush?"
6"Have you ever really seen a . . .  . . . golf bawl?"
6"Have you ever really seen a . . .  . . . gum ball?"
6"Have you ever really seen a . . .  . . . moth bawl?"
6"Have you ever really seen a . . .  . . . pillow fight?"
6"Have you ever really seen a . . .  . . . potato chip?"
6"Have you ever really seen a . . .  . . . rice bowl?"
6"Have you ever really seen a . . .  . . . school crossing?"
6"Have you really ever seen a  . . .   . . .  book mark?"
6"Have you really ever seen a  . . .   . . .  chocolate chip?"
6"Have you really ever seen a  . . .   . . .  TV guide?"
6"I can't do anything right with my left hand."
6"Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS . . .   . . .  which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with . . . "
6"Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly."
6"Support bacteria . . .   . . .  they're the only culture some people have . . . "
6"Two rights do not make a wrong.  They made an airplane."
6"When I am tents I go camping . . .  "
6"When my electric company's bill says 'Please pay current charges,' which one do you suppose they mean?"
6"Who was Tonto looking for in the bank?   The Loan Arranger."
7"100% pure yarn." -- On a sweater.
7"All cups leaving this store, rather full or empty, must be paid for." -- A sign in a Cumberland Farms in Hillsboro, New Hampshire.
7"Do not sit under coconut trees." -- A sign on a coconut palm in a West Palm Beach park circa 1950.
7"Fits one head." -- On a hotel-provided shower cap box.
7"If you lived in your office . . . you'd be home by now!"
7"In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly." -- One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp.
7"Ingredients: Artificially bleached flour, sugar, vegetable fat, yeast, salt, gluten, soya flour, emulsifier 472 (E) & 481, flour treatment agents, enzymes, water. May contain: fruit." -- The ingredients list on a package of fruit buns.
7"Malfunction: Too less water." -- A notice left on a coffee machine.
7"No small children." -- On a laundromat triple washer.
7"No stopping or standing." -- A sign at bus stops everywhere.
7"Payment is due by the due date." -- On a credit card statement.
7"Prescriptions cannot be filled by phone." -- On a form in a clinic.
7"Some materials may irritate sensitive skin. Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case.
7"Take care: new non-slip surface." -- On a sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building.
7"These rows reserved for parents with children." -- A sign in a church.
7"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." -- On a bag of Fritos.
7Bumper Sticker: "Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel."
7Bumper Sticker: "Boldly going nowhere."
7Bumper Sticker: "Dain bramaged."
7Bumper Sticker: "Hang up and drive."
7Bumper Sticker: "If you can read this, I've lost my trailer."
7Bumper Sticker: "If you lived in your car . . . you'd be home by now!"
7Bumper Sticker: "WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition."
7Bumper Sticker: "Wink, I'll do the rest!"
7Help Wanted Ad:  "Telepathist . . .          You know where to apply."
7Help Wanted Ad: "WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship."
7Honk if you like obscene gestures!
7In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
7Materials: Covering: 100% Unknown. Stuffing: 100% Unknown."  -- On a pillow.
7Microbiology Lab Sign: "Staph Only!"
7News Article: "Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery."
7Newspaper Headline: "Police Station Toilet Stolen . . . Cops have nothing to go on . . . "
7Note on a door:  "Out to lunch . . . . . .  if not back by five, then out for dinner also."
7Restaurant sign: "GUYS: No shirt, no service . . .  . . . GALS: No shirt, no charge."
8"Any idiot can father children . . . but, it takes a real man to be a father."
8"Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you desire, but the realization of how much you already have." 
8"Did our actions today set the proper example for those we lead?" 
8"Don't poke a finger . . . lend a hand."
8"Good enough never is."
8"I miss my ex . . .  . . . but my aim is improving!"
8"If you are not part of the solution . . .  . . . then you're probably part of the problem."
8"If you are patient in one moment of anger . . .  you will escape a hundred days of sorrow."
8"If you can remain calm . . .  . . .  you just don't have all the facts."
8"If you don't believe in something..…you'll fall for anything!"
8"If you're not satisfied with your life, you need to act . . . not react."
8"I'll just tell them a different truth . . . "
8"It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue." -- Voltaire
8"It's the start that stops most people."
8"Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off."
8"Killing time murders opportunities."
8"Laughter is good exercise . . . . . . think of it as jogging your innards."
8"Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way."
8"Love does not make the world go around . . . but it makes the ride more enjoyable."
8"No taste is so acquired as that for someone else's quality of mind."
8"Nothing big ever came from being small."
8"One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do, and always a clever thing to say."
8"One should always proofread very carefully to see if you any words out . . . "
8"The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it. If you can't ignore it, top it.  If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved."
8"There is no such thing as over communicating . . ."
8"There is not a right way to do a wrong thing."
8"To handle yourself, use your head . . . . . . to handle others, use your heart."
8"To the world you may be just one person . . .  . . .  but to one person you may be the world."
8"We don't ever need to change friends, as long as we understand that friends change." 
8"When you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in combat."
8"Working together works."
8"You can multiply happiness by dividing it."
8If you can't beat 'em, pay someone who can.......
8If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
8If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of  car payments.
8Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
8Never argue with a man carrying a water buffalo.
8No one is listening until you make a mistake.
9"A candle loses nothing by lighting another."  -=- Father James Keller
9"A goal is a dream with a deadline."
9"A man's reach should exceed his grasp."  -=-   Robert Browning
9"A personal discovery is worth a thousand hours tuition."
9"A ship is safe in a port . . .   . . . but that's not where it's meant to be."
9"Beware of the man of one book." -=- Thomas Aquinas
9"Common sense is not so common."  -=- Voltaire
9"Dictators ride to and fro upon tigers which they dare not dismount. And the tigers are getting hungry."  -=- Winston Churchill
9"Dignity does not consist on possessing honors, but in deserving them." -=- Aristotle
9"Do not be in a hurry to tie what you cannot untie." -=- English Proverb
9"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." -=- Mark Twain
9"Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper." -=- Scottish Proverb
9"Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want."   -=-  Author Unknown
9"Find your comfort-zone, then stay out of it."
9"Good taste is the enemy of creativity". -=- Pablo Picasso
9"Hatred is the coward's revenge for being intimidated."  -=- George Bernard Shaw 
9"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education." -=- Mark Twain
9"If at first you do succeed, try something harder."   -=- Ann Landers
9"If money is your hope for independence you will never have it. The only real security that a man will have in this world is a reserve of knowledge, experience, and ability."  -=-  Henry Ford
9"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." -=- Martin Luther King
9"No opinion, however absurd or incredible, can be imagined, which has not been maintained by some one of the philosophers."  -=- Rene Descartes
9"Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm."   -=-   Ralph Waldo Emerson
9"Once you have missed the first buttonhole you'll never manage to button up". -=- Goethe
9"Only the mediocre are always at their best."  -=-  Author unknown
9"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity,and I'm not sure about the former."  -=-  Albert Einstein
9"Reality: Running an organization is easy when you don't know how, but extremely difficult when you do." -=- Fla. DOC Secretary Michael Moore. 
9"Sacred cows make the best hamburger . . . "  -=- Mark Twain
9"The characteristic of our times is . . .  . . . the perfection of means and the confusion of aims."  -=-   Albert Einstein
9"The greatest of all faults is to be conscious of none."
9"The moment at hand is the only thing we really own."  -=-  John Denver
9"The opposite of courageous is not cowardice but conformity."
9"The soil cannot change the nature of the seed."  -=- Old Wives Proverb
9"Those who say it cannot be done . . .  . . . should not interrupt those who are doing it."  --=--  Chinese proverb
9"We did not inherit the earth from our parents . . . We're borrowing it from our children."  -=- Chief Seattle
9"We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done."  -=- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 
9"When a defining moment comes along, you can do one of two things. Define the moment, or let the moment define you."  -=- Kevin Costner,   "Tin Cup"
9"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."  -=-  Mark Twain
9"You don't win a war by dying for your country. You win a war by making the other son-of-a-bitch die for his."   -=-  General Patton
10 'Please Uncle Sam . . .  . . .  I'd rather farm it myself!"
10" . . .   and he disappeared in a puff of logic . . . "
10" . . . and to think that I work well over 40 hours a week to be this poor . . . "
10" Lets play some thirty tricks on the numerologists!"
10"100% of studies show that if you don't eat, you'll get hungry!"
10"A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking."
10"A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door . . . "
10"A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint . . .   . . . the crew is now believed to be marooned."
10"A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in . . .   . . . at least that's what they tell me!"
10"Absolute power corrupts absolutely."
10"According to a recent USA Today survey . . .   . . . ten out of ten people surveyed in the street are pedestrians."
10"Adults are just kids who owe lotsa money . . . This doesn't include me, of course!"      8>)
10"After the government takes enough to balance the budget . . .   . . .   the taxpayer has the job of budgeting the balance."
10"All those who believe in psychokinesis . . .   . . . please raise my hand . . . "
10"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy."
10"Assassins do it from behind . . .  "
10"At work, the authority of a person . . .  . . .   is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying."
10"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."
10"Be careful or we'll put L & L investigations on it . . .  "
10"Before drawing boards were invented what did they go back to?"
10"Beta testers who lie! Next Wednesday morning on Geraldo!"
10"Bureaucracy  . . . .  . . .  transforming energy into solid waste."
10"Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?"
10"Careful now . . .   You don't want to make me use uppercase . . .   "
10"Communism is man's exploitation of man . . . . . . capitalism is just the opposite."
10"Death to all fanatics!"
10"Do cemetery workers have a preference for the graveyard shift?"
10"Don't be irreplaceable . . .  . . .  if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."
10"Don't force it  . . .   . . . just get a larger hammer."
10"Don't trust reality . . .  . . . after all, it's only a collective hunch."
10"Don't worry . . .   . . .  I backed it up to the RAM disk yesterday."
10"Drink Canada Dry!  You might not really succeed . . .   . . . but it would be fun to try . . .  "
10"Errors have been made . . . . . . others will be blamed.
10"Ever notice that the people who do the world's real work . . .   . . .  are usually the ones that don't usually wear neckties?"  (Except me, of course!)  8>)
10"Ever wonder how you can possibly be on the right track when you keep getting run over?"
10"Every morning is the dawn of a new error . . .  "
10"Everyone is entitled to my opinion . . .  "
10"Facilitate linguistic discernment . . .   . . . Eschew a plethora of polysyllabic verbiage."
10"For people who like peace and quiet . . .   . . .  a phoneless cord."
10"Go the extra mile and make them look like slackers . . . "#NAME?
10"Hard work never killed anyone . . .   . . .  but are you sure you want to chance it?"
10"Has anyone out there figured out how to set their laser printer on stun?."
10"He who dies with the most toys . . .  . . . still dies."
10"Help stamp out and abolish all redundancy!"
10"How come 'good enough' never is?"
10"How come it's the 'start' that stops most people?"
10"How come you can 'put your two cents in', but you can only get 'a penny for your thoughts'?"
10"How do they know when it is time to tune bagpipes?"
10"How is it really possible to have a civil war?"
10"I am pretty sure that I haven't lost my mind . . .    . . .  It's backed up on disk somewhere and it just needs a 'restore'."
10"I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!"
10"I don't know why people take these email messages so seriously . . .  . . . after all, digitally speaking, they're really nothing but ones and zeros!"
10"I doubt therefore I might be . . . "
10"I finally managed to teach my dog to beg . . .   . . . last night he came home with $15.00!"
10"I had a bunch of numbers here just awhile ago, but they're not here now . . .  . . .  guess they were "Roamin' Numerals"!
10"I may be sticking my neck out . . .   . . .  but I'm not going to hang around here any more."
10"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering."
10"I work in the legal department . . .   . . . which is next to the illegal department."
10"If a funeral procession is at night do they drive with their lights off?"
10"If a killer shoots a mime, would a silencer be necessary?"
10"If a mime is arrested, do they need to tell him that he has the right to remain silent?"
10"If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?"
10"If a smurf gets choked, what color does it turn?"
10"If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make any sound?"
10"If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?"
10"If at first you do succeed,  please try not to look too astonished!"
10"If at first you don't succeed . . .   . . .  then give up, no use being a damn fool."
10"If at first you don't succeed . . .   . . .  then redefine success."
10"If at first you don't usually succeed . . . then sky diving is probably not for you!"
10"If 'change is inevitable' then shouldn't someone tell vending machines about it?"
10"If it's really a supercomputer . . .  . . . then how come the bullets don't bounce off when I shoot it?"
10"If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, then why doesn't everyone just move ten miles away?"
10"If one shoots a mime, should a silencer be used?"
10"If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?"
10"If the #2 pencil is the world's most popular,  then why is it still #2?"
10"If the black box is never damaged in a plane crash, then why isn't the entire airplane made of the same stuff?"
10"If the opposite of pro is con . . . . . . .then what must be the opposite of progress?"
10"If work is so terrific, then how come they have to pay you to do it?"
10"If you ate pasta and antipasto, would they cancel each other out and you still be hungry?"
10"If you mix milk with your soda, does it cause you to become apoplectic?"
10"If your attack is going well, then you must have walked into an ambush."
10"I'll bet they cancelled "MacGuyver" because he ran out of ideas."
10"Indecision is the key if not the prerequisite to flexibility . . . "
10"Is it really possible to be a closet claustrophobic?"
10"Is it true that cannibals will not eat clowns because they taste funny?"
10"Is it true that hungry cows have ravenous appetites?"
10"Is there another word for thesaurus?"
10"It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser."
10"It’s hard to make a comeback . . . if you haven’t been anywhere!"
10"Laughing stock . . .   . . . cattle with a sense of humor."
10"Let's see . . .  . . . 'poly' means many, and 'tic' is a blood-sucking thing . . .  . . . put them together and you get . . . "
10"Message from my ThinkPad: 'File not found. Don't worry . . . I'll just get a new human'!"
10"Message from my ThinkPad: 'File not found. Don't worry . . . I'll make something up'!"
10"Never test the depth of the water with both feet."
10"No matter what happens . . .  . . . somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. '
10"Oh Lord, please give me patience . . . RIGHT NOW!"
10"One should always proofread very carefully to see if you any words out . . . "
10"Only you can prevent forest fires."   --Smokey the Bear
10"People who love sausage and respect the law . . .   . . . should never watch either of them being made."
10"Recently my car almost got crushed at a school crossing . . . . . . those buildings are slow but heavy . . .  "
10"Seen it all, done it all . . .  . . .  can't remember most of it, though.".
10"Somedays it's just not worth chewing through the restraints . . . ."
10"Stress is when you wake up screaming  . . .  . . . and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet."
10"Teamwork is essential . . .  . . . it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at."
10"Thank you for allowing us to waste ten seconds of your life . . . "
10"The 50-50-90 rule:  Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right . . .  . . . there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."
10"The beatings will continue until morale improves."
10"The first 90% of a project takes 10% of the time . . .   . . .   the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time."
10"The more you sweat in peace . . .  . . .  the less you bleed in war."
10"The only person who really got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe."
10"The side with the simplest uniforms usually wins."
10"The sooner you fall behind . . .  . . .  the more time you'll have to catch up."
10"The word 'plan' may be a four letter word . . .    . . .  but it really is not a bad word to remember . . . "
10"This is about as useless as a two-story outhouse."
10"Too many freaks . . . not near enough circuses."
10"Two wrongs don't make a right . . .  . . . but three lefts do."
10"Warning: Dates in your calendar are closer than they appear."
10"Warning: The dates in your calendar are closer than they appear."
10"We all can't be heroes . . . . . .  somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as we go by . . . "
10"We have enough youth around here. . .   . . . how about finding a fountain of 'Smart' instead?"
10"What happens if none of your bees wax?"
10"What is another word for thesaurus?"
10"What was the best thing before they invented sliced bread?"
10"What will environmentalists do if an endangered animal is discovered that only eats endangered plants?"
10"When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?"
10"When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?"
10"When you’re finally holding all the cards . . . why does everyone else decide to play chess?"
10"Where is that we are going anyway?  . . . and what's this about some handbasket?"
10"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword . . . . . .  obviously never encountered automatic weapons!"
10"Why are a wise man and a wise guy the exact opposites?"
10"Why are they called 'buildings' when they are already built?  Wouldn't 'builts' be a better name?"
10"Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?"
10"Why do they bother to sterilize the needles used for lethal injections?"
10"Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?"
10"Why do they call it tooth paste? Wouldn't 'teeth paste' be more appropriate?"
10"Why is it called common sense when it is so uncommon?"
10"Why is it that 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' mean the same thing?"
10"Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that stupid song?"
10"Why is the word abbreviation so long?"
10"Why is there an expiration date on containers of sour cream?"
10"Workaholics procrastinate too!    . . .   I'll sleep tomorrow . . . "
10"Would a computer collector be a Compaqrat?"
10"Would a fly without wings be called a walk?"
10"You can preview some of the hottest upcoming Microsoft technology . . .   . . . at"
10"You can't have everything . . .   . . . afterall, where would you put it?"
10"Your Accuweather forecast for tonight: Dark."
10"You're not a failure until you refuse to get back up."
10[( The software license of this signature has now expired. Please register at )]
10Today's subliminal thought is:  "                                     ".
11"10,000,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?"
11"Alright now, that's it . . .   . . . your email license is now hereby revoked!"
11"Does your train of thought have a caboose?"
11"Earth is full . . . Go home!"
11"Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill."
11"Friends don't let friends drive naked."
11"I can only please one person per day . . . Today is not your day . . . And tomorrow doesn't look good either!"
11"I hope you realize that you are depriving some poor village of its idiot!"
11"I need someone really bad . . . . . . Do you know someone really bad?"
11"I refuse to star in your psychodrama . . . Or even co-star, for that matter!"
11"If I worked as much as others . . .   . . . I would do as little as they do . . . "
11"If it were truly the thought that counted . . .   . . .  more women would be pregnant."
11"If things get any worse . . . .  . . . . I'll have to ask you to stop helping me."
11"I'm not your type . . .  I'm not inflatable!"
11"Old enough to know better . . . Too young to resist!"
11"Perhaps your gene pool needs a little chlorine . . ."
11"Please hold your breath while your suggestion is under consideration . . ."
11"Smash your head on your keyboard . . . To see the rest of this email!"
11"So you're a feminist . . . Isn't that cute?"
11"Succeed in spite of management."
11"Three periods in a row is a good sign . . .  . . . one period a little late is not."
11"To all you virgins out there, thanks for nothing!"
11"To kiss a fool is bad . . . . . .  to let a fool kiss you is even worse!"
11"Unfortunately, there's too much blood in my alcohol system."
11"You!   Out of the gene pool!"
11"Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted . . ."
11Rivers are like life. Sometimes they're still and calm and other times they're rough and have obstacles. Remain like water adapt, be flexible and keep moving.
11Somebody put this guy out of his Missouri.
11The quality of a mans life is in direct proportion to his commitment to excellence.  Vince Lombardi
14"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
14"Always drive on roads. Not on people." -- From a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert.
14"Battery may explore or leak." -- On a battery. See a scanned image.
14"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.
14"Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.
14"Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box.
14"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.
14"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.
14"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
14"Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.
14"Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.
14"Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.
14"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.
14"Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.
14"Do not drive cars in ocean." -- In a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.
14"Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.
14"Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.
14"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
14"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
14"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.
14"Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.
14"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.
14"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.
14"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.
14"Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.
14"Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.
14"Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.
14"Do not use house paint on face." -- In a Visa commercial that depicts an expecting couple looking for paint at a hardware store.
14"Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.
14"Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.
14"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.
14"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
14"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
14"Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.
14"Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.
14"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."
14"Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels.
14"For a limited time only." -- From a Rally's commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.
14"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
14"For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.
14"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.
14"For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.
14"For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.
14"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.
14"Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.A tax is a fine for doing well. 
14"Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.
14"May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.
14"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
14"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
14"Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.
14"Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.
14"Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.
14"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
14"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.
14"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.
14"Please remove before driving." -- On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).
14"Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.The Loan Arranger. 
14"Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.TEMPORARILY OUT OF ARDOR 
14"Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
14"Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.
14"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
14"Safe for use around pets." -- On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.
14"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
14"Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.
14"This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door.
14"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.
14"This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.
14"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
14"Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.
14"Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.
14"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.
14"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
14"Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.
14"Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.
14"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.
14"Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.
14"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
14"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.
14"Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.
14"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
14"Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.
14"Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.
14"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.
14Caution: Hot beverages are hot! -- On a coffee cup.
15"In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors." -- In a car manual.
15"Instructions: usage known." -- Instructions on a can of black pepper.
15"Open packet. Eat contents." -- Instructions on a packet of airline peanuts.
15"Optional modem required." -- On a computer software package.
15"Please include the proper portion of your bill." -- On the envelope for an auto insurance bill.
15"Remove the plastic wrapper." -- The first instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn; to see the instructions, one first has to remove the plastic wrapper and unfold the pouch.
15"Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." -- Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11.
15"Serving suggestion: Defrost." -- On a Swann frozen dinner.
15"Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants." -- On a bag of cat biscuits.
15"Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone." -- On a box of pills.
15"The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position." -- Instructions for an espresso kettle.
15"Use like regular soap." -- On a bar of Dial soap.
 : me if you need a friend.
 A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
 I once lived in a resort.  Too bad it was the last resort.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army or the General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
" . . . to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.  That is to have succeeded.  Ralph Waldo Emerson
"A burden shared is a burden halved . . .   . . . a joy shared is a joy doubled."
"A fine is a tax for doing wrong . . .   . . . a tax is a fine for doing well." 
"A hair in the head . . .  . . . is worth two in the brush."
"A nervous wreck . . .  . . . a ship or boat that lies at the bottom of the ocean & twitches."
"A ship in port is safe, but that's not what ships are built for."
"A smart man covers his butt, a wise man simply leaves his pants on." -=- C.D. Bailey
"A stick . . . . . . a boomerang that doesn't work."
"A wolf in sheeps clothing needs professional help . . . "
"After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?"
"Am I getting smart with you?   How would you know?"
"An excuse is a lie rolled up in a blanket of laziness."
"Any darn fool can make something compex. It takes a genius to make something simple." -- Woody Guthrie
"Anyone can become angry--that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way--that is not easy." -=- Aristotle
"Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?"
"Aren't all generalizations false?"
"Be sure and save your burnt out light bulbs for me . . .  . . .  I need them for a darkroom that I'm building . . . "
"Be the change you want to see in the world."   -=- Gandhi
"Believe the impossible . . . and it will become attainable."
"Changing software is easy . . .   . . . the hard part is trying to tear down the thinking and habits accumulated over the years."   -=-   Leonard Tenner, CIO of
"Character consists . . .  . . . of what you do on the third and fourth tries."  --=--  James Michener
"Committee . . .  . . .  A group of people that keeps minutes and wastes hours."
"Conceit is God's gift to little men." -=- Bruce Barton, advertising executive
"Dam!" . . . . . . that's what the fish exclaimed when it ran into a concrete wall."
"Definition of a pickle:  A cucumber soured by a jarring experience."
"Do it for God and it works for good. Do it for good and it works for God"  Author unknown  B.C. Comic Strip
"Does fuzzy logic tickle?"
"Dreams are the birth of a new reality."
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
"Dyslexia can certainly turn your life around . . . . ."
"E-mail has the psychological equivalent of a voice conversation but the unfortunate legal equivalence of a written conversation."
"Even if you're on the right track . . .   . . . you'll get run over if you just sit there."  -=-  Will Rogers
"Experience is something you don't get . . .  . . . until just after you need it."
"Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality."
"Federal Expresso:  When you absolutely, positively have to stay up all night."
"Frostbite . . .  . . . what you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire."
"Good enough never is." -=- Debbi Field, Founder, Mrs. Field's Cookies
"Great dancers are not great because of their technique . . .  . . . They are great because of their passion."
"Happiness comes when we test our skills towards some meaningful purpose."  John Stossel
"here are three types of people in the world . . .  . . .  those who make things happen . . .  . . .  those who watch things happen . . .  . . . and those who wonder what just happened."
"Holy water . . .  . . . what you get when you boil the hell out of water."
"How do you catch a tame rabbit?   Tame way, unique up on it!"
"How do you catch a unique rabbit?      Unique up on it!"
"How many times you see a person that's your friend is not as important as the number of times you see the person in your friend."
"Human nature seems to endow people with the ability . . . . . . To size up everybody but themselves."
"I am a slow walker, but I never walk backwards."  --=--    Abraham Lincoln
"I am looking for a lot of men who have an infinite capacity to not know what can't be done."   Henry Ford
"I don't use my conscience as my guide . . .  . . . it's more of a creative consultant."
"I know that if I ever go looking for my heart's desire, I'll never go any further than my own back yard. For if it isn't there, I never really lost it."  Dorothy  Wizard of Oz
"I used to be as pure as the driven snow, but I drifted."  -=- Mae West
"I'd rather die while I'm living then live while I'm dead."  -=-  Jimmy Buffett in "Growing Older but Not Up"
"Ideas are dime a dozen . . .  . . . People who put them into action are priceless."
"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?"
"If Snow White and Cinderella both married Prince Charming . . .  . . . did they marry the same guy?"
"If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day . . .  . . . how come nothing in the store is free yet?"
"If we quit voting . . .   . . . will they all go away?"
"If you say you can, you will . . .  . . . If you say you can't, you won't."
"If you throw a cat out a car window . . .  . . . does it become kitty litter?"
"If you're not having fun, you're not doing it right."
"In management . . .   . . .  feedback is the breakfast of champions . . . "
"It is human to think wisely and act foolish."
"It's your attitude, not your aptitude, that determines your altitude."
"Jack . . .  . . . a name used for a man with a car on his head."
"Juneau in Alaska a one-night stand can last for six months?  There's no place like Nome for the holidays."
"Life is a picture painted by you and me."
"Life is like a box of chocolates . . .  . . . you never know what you're gonna get."  -=- Forrest Gump
"Limitations live only in our minds. But if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become become limitless."
"Love me when I least deserve it, 'cause that's when I need it most." -=- Unknown Author 
"Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in our own sunshine."  Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso." 
"Never have the fear of growing old, there are many who have never had the privilege."
"None of us is as smart as all of us."
"Nothing in life stands still . . .   . . . If you want to hit the duck you have to move the gun"   Lee Iacocca
"Nothing that matters comes easy, nothing that comes easy ever really matters." -=- Rick Springfield in "Ordinary Girl"
"On the highway of life . . .  . . . we most often recognize happiness out of the rear view mirror."
"Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease."
"People rarely succeed at anything unless they have fun doing it."
"Polaroids . . . . . . what Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long."
"Proofread carefuly to cee if you any words out and speeling are correkt."
"Psycho path . . .  . . . name for the hiking trail that goes around the mental hospital."
"Remember, you don’t have to out run the bear . . .  . . . just the other people he's chasing!"
"Science is everything we understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else."  -=- David Knuth
"See everything . . . . . . Overlook a great deal . . .  . . . Improve a little." -=- Pope John XXIII
"Shoot for the moon . . . . . . Even if you miss, you'll be among the stars."
"Skeet . . .   . . . another name for skydiving lawyers."
"Snackmosphere: The 95% air contained inside a bag of chips."
"Some people aren't happy unless they're unhappy."
"Spoiled milk . . .  . . . what do you get from a cow that has been pampered."
"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
"Stopping at third base adds no more runs than striking out."
"Success is a journey, not a destination."
"Taxpayer:  Someone who doesn't have to take a civil service exam to work for the government."
"The early bird gets the worm . . .  . . . but the second mouse usually gets the cheese."
"The facts are always less than what really happened." - Nadine Gordimer, Nobel Prize-winning author.
"The highest reward for a man's toil . . .  . . . is not what he gets for it, but what he becomes by it."  -=-  John Ruskin
"The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him."
"The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary."
"The Romans didn't find algebra very challenging . . .  . . . because X was always 10."
"The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex projects into small ones, then getting started on the first one." -=- Mark Twain
"The secret to success is right decisions . . .  . . . And the secret to right decisions is experience . . . . . . And the secret to experience is wrong decisions."
"The underlying cause of most of the world's problems is over population . . . "   -=- Walter Cronkrite
"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow . . .  . . . you gotta put up with the rain." -=- Dolly Parton
"The will to win is not nearly as important as the will to prepare to win."
"There are no shortcuts to any place worth going."
"There are only two ways to live your life . . .   . . .one is as though nothing is a miracle . . . . . . . the other is as though everything is a miracle." -=- Albert Einstein
"There are those that work to live . . .  . . . And there are those that live to work . . .  . . . Which one are you?"
"There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works."
"There was so much talking going on, it was hard to get a conversation going"  Casey Stengal  TV coverage of the Playoffs for World Series
"Things work out best for those who make the best of the way things work out."
"Those who can't laugh at themselves . . .  . . . leave the job to others."
"Time is a great teacher . . .  . . . only problem is that it kills all of its students!"
"To err is human, to forgive . . . . . . unlikely."
"We aim above the mark to hit the mark."   -=- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops."
"We do not consider the installation of an elephant standing on a matchbox splitting our neighborhood an enhancement. You are violating the rights of many for the enrichment of one." -- Panama City Beach resident after the county commission agrees to secede a city street to condominium developers.
"We must be the change we wish to see in the world."  Gandhi
"Wealth is not how much you earn . . .  . . . it is how much you accumulate."
"We're not afraid of Y2K . . .  . . . We're afraid of people that are afraid of Y2K."   -=-  Windows NT Magazine
"What does the sign mean when it says 'Four Way Stop'?  I thought there was only one way to stop?"
"What we call a cell phone today . . .  . . .  won't be a cell phone tomorrow in the very near future."
"When I get old and I look back . . .  . . . I want to regret the things I did . . .  . . . and not the things I didn't do." -=- George Carlin
"When you have to cope with a lot of problems . . .   . . . you're either going to sink or you are going to swim." -=- Tom Cruise 
"Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't—you're right."  Henry Ford
"Why are they called apartments . . .  . . . when they're all stuck together?"
"Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead?  She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind."
"Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Don't they all stop eventually?"
"Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?"
"Why do we drive on parkways but park on driveways?"
"Why do we have hot water heaters?"
"Why does bottled water have an expiration date?"
"Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients . . . . . . but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?" 
"Workers at the mint went on strike today to make less money."
"Worry is like a rocking chair; it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere."
"You are as big as the little things that bother you."
"You can't have it all.  Where would you put it?"
"You can't stop the rain by complaining . . . "   "Singing in the Rain"
"You just can't complain about being alive. It's self-indulgent to be unhappy." (Response to being asked how she has coped since husband's death)  Gena Rowland, actress
"You may not be the only one person in the world . . .   . . .  but you may be the world to one person."
"You should treat any anonymous or extraordinary email as you would a knock at your door at 3 a.m. in the morning."
"Your karma just ran over my dogma."
"You're not what you think you are . . .   . . . but what you think you are."
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1. Out of clutter, find simplicity  2. From discord, find harmony  3.In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity  --Albert Einstein
1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
2,000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
52 cards: 1 decacards
9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th should just mellow out.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
A day without challenging yourself to learn something new is a day wasted.
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
A fool is he who does nothing because he thought he could only do a little
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and sings it back to you when you forget how it goes.
A gem is not polished without friction nor a man perfected without trials
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A good plan executed now, is better than a perfect plan next week.  Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove...but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child.  -=- Anonymous
A lie told often enough becomes truth. - Lenin, Marxist revolutionary (1870-1924)
A loud voice cannot compete with a clear voice, even if it's a whisper. 
A man may imagine things that are false, But he can only understand things that are true.    Isaac Newton
A man`s character can easily be judged by how he treats those who do nothing for him.
A mind, like a home, is furnished by its owner, so if one's life is cold and bare he can blame none but himself.   Louis L'Amour
A person will always do that which gives him the greatest amount of pleasure or the least amount of pain.
A pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity.  An optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty!  Winston Churchill
A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS--But it uses up a thousand times the memory.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth your while.
A problem well stated is a problem half solved. -=- Charles Kettering
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. --Anonymous
A quitter never wins and a winner never quits
A rose by any other name would still attract aphids.
A rumour without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A small rudder will turn a big ship.
A successful person is one that can build a sturdy foundation out of the bricks that life throws at them.
A winner is always a part of the solution. A loser is always a part of the problem.
A wise person feels no shame in owning up to their mistakes, only pride for the knowledge gained. 
A wish is nothing but a dream with no wings. Success is a wish which has learned how to fly.
Absence extinguishes small passions, but increases great ones—just as the wind will blow out a candle, or blow in a fire.
Accept today for what it is, as tomorrow may never come.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. 
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Age is a matter of the mind.  If you don't doesn't matter.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln 
All it takes for the forces of evil to take over is for enough good people to do nothing. Isn't it time to do something?
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
All people know the same truth. Life consists of how we choose to distort it.   Woody Allen  Reconstructing Harry 
All the education in the world isn't worth a damn if you don't have any common sense.
All truth goes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Then, it is violently opposed. Finally, it is accepted as self-evident.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
Alway in politics, often in business, but never in love, is perception more important than reality.
Always be kind to your enemies—nothing else annoys them quite as much.
Always tell the truth—because if you always tell the truth, you won't ever have to remember what you said.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. --Agatha Christie
An eternity is very, very long, especially towards the end.
An opportunity is only as good as your preparedness for it.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Another example of why the English language is hard to learn . . .  . . .  "A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
Another example of why the English language is hard to learn . . .  . . .  "A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
Another example of why the English language is hard to learn . . .  . . .  "After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Another example of why the English language is hard to learn . . .  . . .  "He could lead if he would get the lead out.
Another example of why the English language is hard to learn . . .  . . .  "How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Another example of why the English language is hard to learn . . .  . . .  "I did not object to the object.
Another example of why the English language is hard to learn . . .  . . .  "I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
Another example of why the English language is hard to learn . . .  . . .  "Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present."
Another example of why the English language is hard to learn . . .  . . .  "The bandage was wound around the wound."
Another example of why the English language is hard to learn . . .  . . .  "The buck does funny things when does are present.
Another example of why the English language is hard to learn . . .  . . .  "The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
Another example of why the English language is hard to learn . . .  . . .  "The farm was used to produce produce."
Another example of why the English language is hard to learn . . .  . . .  "The farm was used to produce produce."
Another example of why the English language is hard to learn . . .  . . .  "The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
Another example of why the English language is hard to learn . . .  . . .  "The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Another example of why the English language is hard to learn . . .  . . .  "The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
Another example of why the English language is hard to learn . . .  . . .  "There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
Another example of why the English language is hard to learn . . .  . . .  "They were too close to the door to close it.
Another example of why the English language is hard to learn . . .  . . .  "To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
Another example of why the English language is hard to learn . . .  . . .  "Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
Another example of why the English language is hard to learn . . .  . . .  "We must polish the Polish furniture.
Another example of why the English language is hard to learn . . .  . . .  "When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
Anyone who never wished on their deathbed that they had spent more time at the office might have been in the wrong line of work.
Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly . . . until you can learn to do it better!
Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
As long as you see yourself better than you are you will always have a goal to reach. 
As long as you're going to think anyway—you might as well think big.   Donald Trump
Auditor:  A person sent in after the battle to finish off the wounded.
Automobile -A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.--H. L. Mencken
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. --Oscar Wilde
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Be certain your feet are planted in the right place before you decide to stand firm.
Be strong enough to carry your own burdens and be compassionate enough to help others carry theirs.
Be the change you want to see in the world.  -=- Gandhi
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
Before entering into a battle of wits - check your ammunition - you may be shooting blanks!
Being on the tightrope is living.  Everything else is waiting
Being right is often in conflict with winning.
Believe in self-happiness; because everywhere you go, there you are!
Believe nothing, entertain possibilities.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Blame nobody, expect nothing, do something.
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Bother! said Pooh, as the police closed in.
Bumper Snicker: "Who lit the fuse on your tampon anyway?"
Bumper Sticker: "Driver carries no cash.  He's married."
But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades THAT'S a message!
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
By the way, what does BTW mean?
Caffeine is not a substitute for sheep.
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
Can't never did anything!
Change can be challenged, but never defeated.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Clones are people two.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.
Confidence comes with practice.
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is taking action in spite of fear.
Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish one's growth without destroying one's roots.
Cute as a sack full of puppies.
Death plucks my ear and says, "Live! I am coming."  Virgil
Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.   -=- William Jennings Bryan
Diamonds are made under extreme pressure and heat.
Did Adam and Eve have navels?
Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?
Didn't ^ all. 
Diplomat: A man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
Disclaimer:  Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.
Do I look like a people person?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.   Muriel Strode
Do not regret the things you've done in life, nor regret the places you've been as long as where you are at the present is the better place to be. 
Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead.
Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
Do or do not, there is no try." -=- Yoda in "Star Wars"
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics? 
Do what needs to be done, before it needs to be done. Then when it needs to be done, it already is.
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? -- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Does anybody ever vanish with a trace?
Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
Doing what's right is never wrong.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't believe everything you think.  On a bumpersticker
Don't mumble thankyous.
Don't run your fingers over my truck and I won't run my truck over your fingers.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Don't tell God you've got a big problem—Tell your problem you've got a big God.
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
Dopeler effect:  The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.  Author unknown
Dress for the age you are, not for the age you want to be.
Drink up, Socrates, it's all natural.
Duct tape is like 'the force'. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Duels never prove who is right, only who is left.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Each of us is given a pocketful of time to spend however we may. We use what we will. We waste what we will.  But can never get back a day.   Roger Wilcox
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Energy is the wellspring of intelligence.  Napoleon Bonaparte  Maxims of Napoleon
Every once and a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right.  -=- The Grateful Dead in "Scarlet Begonias"
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down 'till the thought goes away. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear my dear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
Everybody should get married some time; after all, happiness isn't the only thing in life!! --Anonymous
Everyday I beat my own previous record, for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Everything changes, except the law of changes. A man cannot get in the same river twice. The river changes every second and so does the man that gets in.
Excellence is the result of caring more than others think is wise; risking more than others think is safe; dreaming more than others think is practical; and expecting more than others think is possible.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience tells you what to do; Confidence allows you to do it! 
Failure is not hitting bottom. It's staying there.  Jack & Jill
Failure should not be our undertaker, but our teacher.  Author unknown
Failure? I never encountered it. All I ever met were temporary setbacks.
Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered with failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much, nor suffer much because they live in the grey twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.   Theodore Roosevelt
Fate is nothing other than one's subconscious being attracted to another's subconscious, subconsciously.  -=-"Sleepless in Seattle"
Fear of Loss is Greater than the Desire for Gain.
Few things can help an individual more than to place responsibility on him, and to let him know that you trust him." - Booker T. Washington, activist (1856-1915)
Fibbing can turn into a “lie” ability.
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
Food has replaced sex in my life. Now, even I can't get into my own pants.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
For man as for flower . . . the supreme triumph is to be most vividly, most perfectly alive.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Fun shouldn't be confused with happiness.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. - Voltaire
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
God often digs the wells of joy with the spade of sorrow.
God's promises are like the stars.  The darker the night, the brighter they shine.
Going shopping with your wife is like being seventeen in an election year.  You can have all the opinions you want, but you can't vote.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.
Good judgment is the result of experience. Experience is the result of bad judgment.  Author unknown
Good service is like bacon and eggs. The chicken was involved, but the pig was committed. Be the pig.  Cheryl Steen
Good things come to those who wait, but those who wait get what those who didn't wait didn't want.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
Grass is not greener on the other side of the fence, it's greenest where it's watered, go home, water your grass. 
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.   Albert Einstein
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken;  A lifetime commitment for a pig.
Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Happiness is a warm puppy - Charles Schultz (1922-2000)
Happiness is a warm puppy, said the anaconda.
Happiness is not the absence of problems but the ability to deal with them
Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting?
Have a plan "A", a plan "B", a plan "C", and a contingency plan—chances are you will need them all
Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a little, bitty crack in your sidewalk?
He who is good at making excuses is seldom good at anything else.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. 
He's best served who serves best
He's cleaning his automobile.-Wa Shing Ka
Hey, you've got something ugly on your shoulders.
His wife said, "Be an angel and let me drive." So he did, and now he is.
How can there be a limited lifetime warranty?
How can there be self-help groups?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
How come we choose from just two people to run for  president and  50 for Miss America?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?     
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place? 
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it.
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.
How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?
How I am strong is to know what makes me weak. How I am found is to know what I seek. 
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?  
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; Therefore I  am  perfect. 
I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.    Louisa May Alcott
I am not guilty.-Wai Hang Mi?
I am part of all that I have seen." -=- Walt Whitman
I am. is reportedly the shortest sentence in  the English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence? 
I believe there is a spark of genious in almost everyone, which, when nurtured can flare into dramatic achievement!
I bumped into a coffee table.-Ai Bang Mai Ni
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected. 
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the  same  effect by just standing up really fast.
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
I don't do drugs' cause I find I get the same effect just standing up   fast.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have lived just the length of it.  I want to have lived the width of it as well.   D. Ackerman
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.--Sam Kinison
I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too many of them get elected.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
I got a sweater for Christmas... but I wanted a  screamer or a moaner.
I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I got this for free.-Ai No Pei
I hate to spread rumours, but what else can you do with them?
I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
I heard you had an idea once, but it died of loneliness.
I keep trying to find a complete dictionary of acronyms but the only ones I can find are abbreviated editions. 
I keep trying to lose weight but it always finds me.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they  know me  here 
I love being married. It's great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person  you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I married my wife for her looks ...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
I married my wife for her looks... but not the  ones she's been giving me lately!
I rather be a failure at something I love, than a success in something I hate!
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on I said, "Implants? 
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said...."Implants? 
I shall allow no man to belittle my soul by making me hate him.   Booker T. Washington
I shall now ask my colleague to tell you how good I am at delegating.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
I take my spouse everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I think you need a facelift.-Chin Tu Fat
I thought you were on a diet.-Wai Yu Mun Ching?
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's one called brightness, but it doesn't work.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
I'd change the world but God won't give me the source code - Anonymous
If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
If a jogger runs a the speed of sound can he still hear his walkman?
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a tree falls in the woods, and lands on a mime, does anyone care?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
If beheading is cutting off a person's head, why do people say certain things will behoove you?
If carrots are supposed to be so good for the  eyes, why  do I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport "the terminal"?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport... the terminal?
If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra would they get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?
If God sneezes...what should you say?
If I'd never have picked up the first person, I'd never have picked up the 42,000 in Calcutta.  Mother Teresa
If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
If it's zero degrees outside today & it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If lawyers are disbarred & clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked  & dry cleaners depressed?
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.  But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!! 
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If man evolved from monkeys & apes, why do we still have monkeys & apes? 
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?
If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it a hostage situation?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear as it is, infinite.
If the eyes are windows to the soul, your smile is the front door.
If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?
If the journey of life were taken in a car, we should take the time to be both drivers and passengers. The trip is the same but the view is sure different. 
If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
If this car is being driven safely, call the cops - it's been stolen!
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
If variety is the spice of life, why do we use cinnamon?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
If we believe in "an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth," we will end up being a society of blind toothless people. -=- Gandhi
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
If you always do what you've always done—you'll always get what you've always gotten!
If you are not afraid to face the music, you may someday lead the band.
If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up?
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
If you continue to live in the past, your life is history.
If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?
If you do what you have always done, you will be where you have always been.  Author unknown
If you don't change directions, you may just end up where you're headed
If you don't have time to do it right, you certainly don't have time to do it again!
If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.
If you don't know where you're going, you'll end up someplace else.
If you don't like the hand you're dealt in life, only you can shuffle the cards
If you don't place a value on yourself, don't expect others to raise the price.  Submitted by Michael Rothman
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you fail to plan, then you plan to fail.    Steven Covey
If you fall down seven times, get up eight.
If you get knocked down, if you can look up, you can get up!  Larry Holmes  Boxer
If you had everything, where would you keep it? Everywhere, of course.
If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
If you held up 11 roses in front of a mirror, you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?
If you sigh `bout troubles, it doubles everyday, but if you smile `bout troubles, it's a bubble blown away!
If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
If you take a shower, where do you put it?
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If you throw a hard drive out the window does it become fragmented?
If you throw a rock in the mud, the mud will fly and stick to your clothes
If you want others to like you, you have to be able to like yourself.
If you want something you've never had you must do something you've never done.
If your life ever flashes before your eyes, see if you can remember where you left your keys.
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?
If you're going to skate on thin ice, you might as well dance!
If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
I'm going crazy. Wanna come along?
I'm gonna survive this crazy world, or die trying.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
Immortality is assured, in part, by how many lives you've touched.
In difficult moments, behave like a duck. Keep calm and unruffled on the surface, but keep paddling away like crazy underneath.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
In government these days, I have learned that an emphatic "NO!" inspires more ingenuity than the largest budget increase.
In life, you will have thousands of opportunities to keep your mouth shut . Try to seize as many of them as you can.  Author unknown
In love, don't choose the one you can live with; choose the one you cannot live without.
In order to succeed, we must first believe that we can. 
In school, we are given a lesson and then we're given a test. In life, we are given a test that teaches us a lesson.
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
In three words, I can sum up everything I've learned about life—"It goes on."   Robert Frost
Inch by inch everything is a cinch, yard by yard it will seem hard.  Dexter Yager
Indecision is the sign of a fearful mind.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Inner strength is not about what you have achieved, but what you have overcome.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake. 
Integrity is the cornerstone of true success.
Integrity is the external manifestation of your internal principles.
Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Is there another word for synonym?
Is there reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant, like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Isn't hot water already hot?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by  just one busted condom 
Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? 
It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
It is better to be silent and thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
It is better to light the candle than to curse the darkness
It is easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission.  Grace Hopper
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission, so go ahead, do it!
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
It is not what you expect out of life but what life expects out of you. That is what really matters
It isn't premarital sex if you don't get married.
It takes both rain and sunshine to make a rainbow.
It takes many years to become a overnight success.
It takes money to make money, because you have to copy the design exactly.
It`s not what you are. It`s what you want to be.
It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues.
It's a small world.  Then the airline loses your luggage.
It's always easier to destroy then to create.  Robert Asprin  Hit or Myth
It's always too soon to quit.
It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.
It's better to bite your tongue than eat your words.
It's better to do a little of something, that a lot of nothing.
It's not what you have in your life, it's who you have in your life that counts.
It's not where you are, it's what direction you're headed. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.  But enjoy the process.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
It's the moments in life, not the days, that we remember.
It's very dark in here.-Wai So Dim?
I've got to get back to work. When I stop rowing, the slaveship just goes in circles.
James Doohan, who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott on Star Trek, is missing the entire middle finger of his right hand.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Just about the time you think you can make both ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
Justice will only be achieved when those who are not injured by crime feel as indignant as those who are. - King Solomon
Keep your kids safe - love them at home, belt them in the car.
Kicking the tree has never been know to hasten ripening.    James P. Cecil
Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.  -=- Goethe
Knowledge builds confidence, Confidence builds personality, and Personality sells!
Lack of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. 
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
Leaders are pioneers. Leaders are learners. They can only lead others where they are willing to go themselves.  Author unknown
Learn how to disagree without being disagreeable.
Let us have faith that right makes might, and in that faith let us dare to do our duty as we understand it.  Abraham Lincoln
Life is a bed of roses—use the thorns as opportunities to get to the petals of your dreams
Life is a rose, it is very beautiful and surrounded by thorns.
Life is an unplayed sheet of music.  The world is your instrument.  You are the musician.  Play.
Life is full of dreams. If you have no dreams to follow, then life is a slow way of dying.
Life is like a hot bath, the longer you stay the more wrinkled you get.
Life is like an ice cream. Enjoy it before it melts.
Life is not a dress rehearsal. Better enjoy it while you still can.
Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.  Yesterday is History, Tommorow is a Mystery, and Today is a gift: that's why we call it the Present. Brian Dyson CEO of Coca Cola Enterprises
Life is short, but it is wide.
Life isn't measured by the years that we live, but by the deeds that we do and the joy that we give.
Life's choices are easy: either get up, give up, or shut up
Life's most persistent and urgent question is: What are you doing for others?   Martin Luther King, Jr.
Live as if you were to die tomorrow, learn as if you were to live forever.
Living is tough. If it were easy, everybody would be doing it.
Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula."
Love conquers all, unless of course you're playing tennis.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
Love isn't finding the right person—it's being the right person.
Luck = Preparation + Opportunity.
Luck is a dividend of sweat.  The more you sweat, the luckier you get.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
Make sure the words you speak today are sweet, for tomorrow you may have to eat them..
Mama corn to baby corn...the stalk brought you.
Man who says it cannot be done should not stand in the way of man who is getting it done -=- Chinese Proverb
Management is like the glue that holds together a fine piece of furniture. When properly applied, the structure is strong and the management is not seen.   Ben J. Mescher
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.  Thomas Edison
Many people think that by hoarding money they are gaining safety for themselves. if money is your ONLY hope for independence, you will never have it. The only real security that a person can have in this world is a reserve of knowledge, experience, and ability. Without these qualities, money is practically useless.  Henry Ford
Many times the grass looks greener across the way and it often turns out to be astroturf. 
Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a  relative. 
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Marriage is a three ring circus:--engagement ring---wedding ring
Measure your mind's height by the shadow it casts.   Robert Browning
Memorial, on the back of the $5 bill.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.   Franklin D. Roosevelt
Men become wise just as they become rich, more by what they save than by what they receive.  -=- Wilbur Wright
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Miracles are natural. When they fail to occur something has gone wrong.  Author unknown
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the13th."
More powerful than all the armies on the face of the earth is the power of an idea whose time has come.  Victor Hugo
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
My uncle wanted to go ice fishing but, I said, "Why bother, there are plenty of cubes in the freezer."
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or something like that.
Never complain about what you permit.
Never complain about what you permit.
Never fear growing old; there are many who have never had the privilege
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never miss an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.  Author unknown
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today, because if you do it today and you like it you can do it again tomorrow
Never sell yourself short . . . someone might buy you that way.
Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do, and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.   George S. Patton
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never wrestle with a pig in mud.  You both get dirty and the pig likes it!
No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
No matter where you go there you are.
No matter whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right.
No one beneath you can offend you.  No one your equal would.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.   Eleanor Roosevelt
No one knows how much a boy is worth and the world must wait and see. For every man in an honored place is a boy that used to be.
No one will CARE how much you KNOW, until you SHOW them how much you CARE!
No one will ever care how much you know until they know how much you care.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years. People grow old only by deserting their ideals.  General Douglas MacArthur
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Not only do we take care of those who complain, but we take care of those who don't.
Nothing is more expensive than a missed opportunity. 
Nothing worth doing in life is ever easy. If it was, then everybody would be doing it.  
Obstacles are those frightening things we see when we take our eyes off the goal.
OHNO-SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. Like making the selection that reformats your hard drive.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
One is never a fool who gives what he cannot keep in order to gain what he can never lose.
One never finds life worth living—one always has to make it worth living.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
One often meets his destiny on the very road he takes to avoid it.  Author unknown
One person, one vote (may not apply in certain states)
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Only the fool mistakes kindness for weakness.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Opportunity might knock only once, but it passes our door every day.
Optimistic apathy: things will work out, but if they don't who cares?
Our appearance determines how we are viewed.
Our days are as dark as the night but when we choose to we can make them as bright as the day.
Our job is not to make up your mind, but to make the agony of decision-making so intense that you can escape only by thinking.  Fred Friendly
Our meeting was scheduled for next week.-Wai Yu Kum Nao
Our only limitation to creation is imagination.
Our task is not to change our life-scenery, but to lift the mental fog that distorts its charm.
Out to lunch... if not back by five, out for dinner also.
Pain is nature letting you know you're still alive and need to do something 
Paradise is not a palce. It's a state of mind.
Patience comes to those who wait.
Pay attention.  You never know what disguise your next teacher will be wearing.
Pay no attention to what the critics say. A statue has never been erected in honour of a critic.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
People can't be creative unless they are having fun.  John Quelch Harvard University Professor
People don't do things for you or against you, they do things for themselves—it's fortune, good or bad, to be in the way.
People turn to Spirit when their foundations are shaking, only to discover that it is Spirit that is shaking them
People who feel good about themselves produce good results.  Ken Blanchard
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Perseverance is not a long race; it is just short races one after another.
Plan your work, then work your plan!!
Play for the name in the front of your jersey, and not for the name on the back of your jersey!   Sterling "Fuzzy" Loga
Please, stay a while longer.-Wai Go Nao?
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
Postponement is the road that leads to the town of Nowhere
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Prosperity, like happiness, is not an outward possession, but an inward realization. 
Quality is not an act. It is a habit. Aristotle
Quality is the mortar that holds the bricks of a corporation together.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
Raising a child is like baking a cake - by the time you find out it's a disaster, it's too late.
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
Real happiness, genius, and greatness are acheived only by discovering and remaining true to the inner, primeval, and eternal voice of intuition.  -=- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Reality continues to ruin my life. - Calvin and Hobbes
Remember that just the moment you say, "I give up," someone else is saying, "My, what a great opportunity."
Remember that what is right isn't always popular and what is popular isn't always right. 
Remember the two benefits of failure. First, if you do fail, you learn what doesn't work. And second, the failure gives you the opportunity to try a new approach.  Roger Von Oech A Whack on the Side of the Head
Remember, it's the thought that counts. Think money.
Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Right human relations is the only true peace.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
Sarchasm:  The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who just doesn't get it.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit & the reader who doesn't get it.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Saving for a rainy day shouldn't cloud the sunny ones.
Seagull Manager:  A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything and then leaves.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
Seek not to know all the answers but to understand the questions. 
Seen on a Jeep, posted upside down, "If you can read this, flip me back over."
Seen on the back of a dirty car:
Self-discipline is the ability to do what you should do, when you should do it, whether you like it or not.
Service shouldn't be a question of who do I serve, but how do I serve.  Michael St. Clair
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Shouldn't it be some things in moderation?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?
Sign carried by the exhausted lover:  "Temporarily Out of Ardor".
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
Sign in Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." 
Since cats always land on their feet and jelly bread always lands jelly-side down, what happens if you tie jelly bread to the back of a cat?
Small Horse-Tai Ni Po Ni
Small things affect small minds.  Benjamin Disraeli
Smile—it's the curve that sets things straight.
Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled 
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Solicitor: Someone who makes sure they get what's coming to you.
Some birds aren't meant to be caged—their feathers are just too bright.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Some people enter our lives, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same. 
Some people grow up, some people grow old, but I just want to grow. 
Some people have a way with words, others not have way.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
Sometimes we must be hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, and lose in order to gain because some lessons are learned only through pain. And from them you will become stronger.
Sometimes you have to do what you don't like to get to where you want to be
Sometimes you just have to take the leap, and build your wings on the way down.
Sooner or later, doesn't everyone stop smoking?
Sorry, no fortune today. Enjoy your cookie.
Stay out of sight.-Lei Lo
Stewart's law of retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. - Gandhi
Stretching his hand up to reach the stars, too often man forgets the flowers at his feet.
Stupid Man  -- Dum Gai
Success is getting what you want.  Happiness is liking what you get.
Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom.  -=- General George Patton
Success is not achieved in the absence of fear, but in spite of it.
Success is not measured by what you have achieved, but rather by what you have overcome.
Success is not spontaneous combustion.  You have to set yourself on fire.
Success lies in doing not what others consider to be great but what you consider to be right
Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be.
Successful people do what unsuccessful people won't.
Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!
Tact is the ability to see others as they see themselves.
Take credit for the inevitable.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Tell me what you need & I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Tell me who you love and why and I will tell you who you are
Tell the people that you love that you love them.
That was an unauthorized execution.-Lin Ching
The "c" in "rap" is silent.
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
The 5 P's...Prior Planning Prevents Poor Performance.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. (I knew I wasn't average!!)
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The bank offered an attractive mortgage rate to create interest. 
The best things happen to those who make the best of whatever happens to them.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
The best way to know where your kids are is to invite their friends over.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
The Bureau of Incomplete Statistics reports that one out of three.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college, was my blood alcohol content.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
The consummate truth of life is that we alter our destiny by altering our thoughts.
The diamond cannot be polished without friction, nor the man perfected without trials.   Chinese proverb
The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know it, and I couldn't care less
The early worm, on the other hand... gets eaten. - Anonymous
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
The feeble tremble before opinion, the foolish defy it, the wise judge it, the skillful direct it.
The feeble tremble before opinion, the foolish defy it, the wise judge it, the skillful direct it.  Jeanne de la Platiere
The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
The first step in resolving a problem is admitting that there is a problem.
The four stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus. He looks like Santa Claus.
The game of life is like the game of boomerangs, deeds and words return to us sooner or later with astounding accuracy.
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
The grass is greener [on the other side] but you still have to mow it when you get there. 
The grass on the other side of the fence may be greener but remember it'll probably need cutting more often. 
The greatest mistake you can make in life is continuing to fear you will make one.
The greatness of a man is not determined by what he has or hasn't accompished, but by what it takes to discourage him.  Dr. Jerry Falwell, Pastor
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius
The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.   John Ruskin
The journey is just as important as the destination.
The length of this document defends it well against the risk of being read.  Winston Churchill
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing.
The man who is not capable of making a mistake is not capable of anything else.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar  tube with a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet, it has no trade-in value.
The most wasted day of all is that on which we have not laughed.
The most you can do for another man is to open his eyes to his own greatness.
The motto for the Texas Cattle Association is "Do unto udders as you would have udders do unto you." 
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is ucopyrightable.
The only agenda is excellence.
The only thing constant is change.  Author unknown
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.   Edmund Burke
The only time you run out of chances is when you stop taking them.
The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.
The only way to get finished is to get started.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.   Neils Bohr
The opposite of love is NOT hate. The opposite of love is indifference.
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
The other day I got out my can-opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I doing?!"  Jack Handey  "Saturday Night Live"
The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The real breakfast of champions is the opposition.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
The reason that opportunity is seldom recognized when it knocks is because it goes around disguised as work.
The reasonable man recognizes the way that the world works and adapts himself to it. The unreasonable man recognizes the way that the works and tries to force the world to adapt to him. Thus, all progress is made because of the unreasonable man.  George Bernard Shaw
The recognition of complexity is the beginning of wisdom.  Author unknown
The reputation of a thousand years may be determined by the conduct of one hour.  -=- Japanese Proverb
The secret of a leader lies in the tests he has faced over the whole course of his life and the habit of action he develops in meeting those tests.  Gail Sheehy

The soul of the lazy one craves and gets nothing, but the soul of the diligent is well supplied.
The Ten Most Powerful Two-Letter Words: "If it is to be . . .  It is up to me."
The trees that are slow to grow bear the best fruit.
The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.
The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort but where he stands at times of challenge and discovery.  Martin Luther King, Jr.
The war between the sexes will never be won, because there is to much fraternizing with the enemy.  Author unknown
The Windows 2000 Eveready Bunny: It's still loading, and loading...
There are 10 kinds of people in the world those who understand binary and those who don't.
There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence?
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are no shortcuts to excellence.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are people who will always come up with reasons why you can't do what you want to do. Ignore them.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and butthead's. 
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and poophead's.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
There is no failure . . . only feedback!
There is no limit to what a man can do or how far he can go if he doesn't mind who gets the credit.  Robert Woodruff
There is no right way to do the wrong thing.
There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are an imagination of ourselves.   Author unknown
There is nothing that can't be accomplished, as long as you don't care who gets the credit.
There isn't enough darkness in the whole world to dim the light of one small candle.
There's a typo in this sentence, but it slides away when your eyes move toward it.
There's gonna be two dates on your tombstone, all your friends will read 'em. But all that's gonna mattter is that little dash between 'em.  Kevin Welsh
They are coming to take me away, ha HA!
They say when nature calls you should answer it, I say let the answering machine get it
They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.   Benjamin Franklin
Things are not always as they appear on the surface.  Look deep before you leap.
Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.   Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
This email is brought to your by this proud sponsor: "Nyquil: "The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine . . "
This is a tow away zone.-No Pah King
This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way
This message was typed in front of a live studio audience!
Those that make the rules don't play the game!
Those who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, usually do.
Those who brings sunshine to the lives of others, cannot keep it from themselves.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Thought For Today: "Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times." - Anonymous
Thoughts determine what you want . . . . Actions determine what you get.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To a worm, even digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.
To accomplish the impossible, we must first fail to recognize it.
To be ready is well.  To know when to wait is better. But to capture the right moment is best.
To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men—that is genius. Ralph Waldo Emerson
To consider possibility requires a tolerance of uncertainty.  Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D.   Kitchen Table Wisdom
To handle yourself, use your head;  To handle others, use your heart.
Today's shopping tip: You can get nice shoes for  $1.00 at  the bowling alley.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't  want, to impress people they don't like.  Will Rogers
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
Top 10 reasons to procrastinate: 1.
Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being.   Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Trifles make perfection and perfection is no trifle. -=- Michaelango
Trust is like a savings account. You make withdrawals in small increments. Then, when you make a withdrawal, it empties the account.
Two people in every one is schizophrenic.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
Underpromise . . . then overperform.
Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it.
Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without.  Author unknown
Use two ears and one mouth; in that order and proportion.
Violence is a confession of ignorance.      Confucius
Vision without action is merely a dream: Action without vision is merely passing time.  Author unknown
Want to talk to God? Send Him some kneel-mail.
Warning: Dates in your calendar are closer than they appear.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse
We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.'
We cannot become what we cannot see ourselves becoming.
We cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are
We cause our own stress by the value we attach to any given event.
We must look through our customers' eyes for our sight to have true vision.
'We must work together as brothers or live together as fools."  Martin Luther King
We reserve the right to arm bears
We take risks not to escape life, but to prevent life from escaping us.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years.
What a long strange trip its been.  (Grateful Dead)
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.  Dwight David Eisenhower
What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
What do they call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace? Krisp Kringle
What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite
What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? Ribbon hood
What happened to the first 6 ups?
What I accomplish today is IMPORTANT! I am exchanging a day of my life to achieve it.  Author unknown
What I am looking for is not "out there", it is in me. Helen Keller
What I do today is important because I am paying a day of my life for it. What I accomplish must be worthwhile because the price is high.
What I do today is important because I am paying a day of my life for it. What I accomplish must be worthwhile because the price is high.  Author unknown
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What is another word for thesaurus?
What is the speed of dark?
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish
What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?
What the mind can conceive and believe, the mind of a man can achieve.  Napolean Hill
What the mind can conceive so can the mind achieve . . . you are what you think about.  W. Clement Stone
What you are is God's gift to you;  what you become is your gift to God.
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.   Goethe
What's another word for synonym?
When a cow laughs, does milk come out its nose? 
When a man forgets himself, he always does something that others will remember.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
When asked why he didn't try to destroy his enemies, Abraham Lincoln said, "I do destroy my enemy...when I make him my friend."
When cave men got together they formed clubs.
When I was sixteen I couldn't believe how stupid my old man was. When I turned twenty one I was amazed how much he had learned in five years.   Mark Twain
When in doubt . . . Don't guess.
When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
When opportunity knocks . . . I'll probably be in the laundry room, with both the washer and the dryer running.   "Ziggy"
When people lose weight, where does it go?
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy - When planets do it we say they are orbiting
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
When the only tool you have is a hammer . . . all of your problems begin to look like nails.  Maslov
When you are first married, never do anything in the first year that you don't plan to do the rest of your married life.
When you fall in a river, you're no longer a fisherman, you're a swimmer
When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never just see ception?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced ... Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.  Cherokee saying
When your life finally flashes before your eyes, you get one last look at all you've ever done, and one last chance to regret everything you never tried.
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Where are Preparations A through G?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch? Deery Queen
Where there is hope there is life.  -=- Anne Frank
Wherever you go, be all there...
Whether the glass is seen as half full or as half empty depends entirely on how thirsty the viewer is.
Which is worse; To live and know you're going to die, or to die and not know if you ever lived?
Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? "Rude"olph
Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells refrigerators?
Who sings "Love Me Tender" and makes Christmas toys? Santa's little Elvis
Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service.
Why am I frowning? It takes 43 muscles to frown and only 17 to smile and I need the exercise!
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of  parachutes?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there never any artist's materials in a drawing room?
Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?
Why do bars advertise live bands? What does a dead band sound like?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. 
Why do hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse. Repeat"? If you did this, would you ever be able to stop?
Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn't superglue stick to its container?
Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell mnemonic?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is there always one in every crowd?
Why is there an eject button on the VCR remote? Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why not have your cake and eat it too - it's cake, what else are you going to do with it?
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
Winners are not those who never fail but those who never quit
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Without love in the dream, it will never come true    -=- Jerry Garcia
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Wonder is the seed of knowledge, curiosity is the rain and an open mind is the garden in which it grows.
Work can wait while you show a child the rainbow. The rainbow won't wait while you do the work. -Unknown
Work like you don't need the money, Love like you've never been hurt, and Dance like nobody's watching.
Work to live. Don't live to work
Work towards a goal which is little tougher than your known potentials.
Worrying is like a rocking chair.  It gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere.  -=- Abraham Lincoln
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
You are free to choose, but the choices you make today will determine wha t you will have, be, and do in the tomorrows of your life.
You bought what? You spent my $150 million on what? Don't you listen? I said snapple!  Purported e-mail sent by Bill Gates to Greg Maffet  InformationWeek
You can get a lot farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word.   Al Capone
You can get everything in life you want, if you will just help enough other people get what they want.
You can never have enough of what you don't really want.   Fritz Perls
You can say "no" and smile only when there is a bigger "yes" burning with in you.  Author unknown
You can whip a jackass and it'll stay down and pout, but if you whip a thoroughbred it'll get up and run.
You cannot build a reputation on what you are going to do
You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying overhead, but you can stop them from building nests in your hair.  Chinese proverb
You can't do today's job with yesterday's methods and be in business tomorrow.
You don't get a second chance to make a first impression.
You don't have to blow out someone else's candle for yours to shine.
You have yet to meet the person you are.
You know you're getting old when being a little hippie does not have the same meaning as it did in the 60's.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday, you will join us and the world will live as one.  -=- John Lennon
You must be poor to know the luxury of giving!  George Eliot
You must have wisdom to understand wisdom; the music is nothing if the audience is deaf. 
You need long term goals to overcome frustration from short term failures.
You never know when you're making a memory.
You never really leave a place you love—part of it you take with you, leaving a part of yourself behind.
You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how.   - Gone With the Wind
You will never know what is possible for you until you attempt the impossible.
You will never possess what you are unwilling to pursue.
Your body odor is offensive.-Yu stin ki pu
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
Your Decisions will Determine your Destiny
You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
You've got to hand it to the IRS. (if not, they'll just come and take it).
You've got to spend money to lose money.