Well I finally got an answering machine.  Now how does this
	thing work?  Hmmm.  Press record button, I did that, and the
	light should be on.  I wonder why it's not working right.
	Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...
	How do you leave a message on this thing?  I can't understand
	the instructions.  Hello.  Testing 1 2 3.  I wonder what happens
	if I touch this...  YOW!
	You know what I hate about answering machine messages?  They go
	on and on, wasting your time.  I mean, all they really need to
	say is, "We aren't in, leave a message."  That's why I've
	decided to keep mine simple and short.  I pledge to you, my
	caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long
	answering machine message when you call me...
	Hi, this is Mal.  You know, it's a real pain leaving a message
	on a machine.  BEEP.
	(Deep voice:)  If a phone rings in an empty room with no one to
	hear it, does it make a sound?  Hmm...?  (Normal voice:)
	Irrelevant!  Leave a message.
	(Modified from Woody Allen:)  I don't have a lot a rapport with
	anything that I can't reason with, intimidate, or fondle.
	Consequently, I hate talking to machines, but I'd love it if
	you'd talk to mine.
	(Owner is a hard-to-reach person:)  Yes, I finally got an
	answering machine.  (To Handel's Messiah:)  Alleluia!  Alleluia!
	Alleluia!  Alleluia!  All-e-lu-ia!  Please leave a message at
	the tone.
	(Drawling granny voice:)  Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we
	didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine.  You jusht
	had to call and call until shummbody got home.  Now, shum
	people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a
	lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage.  Thanksh a lot.
	You have reached 934-2435.  We picked this machine up at a
	garage sale in "as-is" condition.  You can try to leave a
	message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded.  If we
	don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
	What you are about to hear is not a beep.  It is a digitally
	manipulated fart.
	This answering machine has a short attention span, and it WILL
	hang up on you if leave a boring message.
	Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05.  Counting
	down to test:  5...  4...  3...  2...  1...
	C'mon...  you can do it...  just a little one.  That's the
	way...  just a little beep, just a little one.  C'mon...  good
	boy...  here we go...  like this -- beeeeep, just a little one,
	beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...  There you go!
	Don't you do it!  Don't you dare!  I don't want to hear it!
	Don't you beep!  If you beep, I'll...  don't even think about
	it!...  Don't...!
	No!  NO!  Not THAT!  Anything but that!  Not the beep!  No!
	Please!  Not the beep!  Anything but the beep!
	AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
	(Computer style monotone:)  Hello, I am the XS486 Mark Five
	answering machine.  I am equipped with the new Pentium processor
	to assure that nothing can go wrong...  Gowrong...  Grong..
	Grong gronggronggrongBEEP
	Hello.  I'm David's answering machine.  What are you?
	Hi, this is John's answering machine.  He's not here, but I'm
	open to suggestions.
	(or)
	Hello.  This is Mark and Nathan's phone.  We're not here right
	now, but the phone is.
	Hi, this is John's answering machine again.  He's gone and left
	me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's.  Life sucks.
	Hi!  John's answering machine is broken.  This is his
	refrigerator.  Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
	message to myself with one of these magnets.
	(or)
	Hello, this is Ron's toaster.  Ron's new answering machine is in
	the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the
	toast is done...  (Cachunk!)
	(or)
	Hi, this is the toaster.  The answering machine just eloped with
	the refrigerator, so I'm the only appliance left to take
	messages.  I'm kinda new at this whole thing, but if you'll
	leave your name, number, and a brief message, I think I can
	handle whatever pops up.
	I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order.  I am
	leaving a broken CD player in its place.  It can't take messages
	either.  In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you
	wait to not leave a message.
	Hi.  This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner.  Their appliances
	have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause
	my old job sucked.  So leave a message after you hear the beep,
	and you can be sure it's in the bag.
	Hello, this is Sally's microwave.  Her answering machine just
	eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls.  Say,
	if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just
	hold it up to the phone.
	(Machine voice:)  Hello.  This is HAL 5.  You have reached the
	former telephone number of Carey Smith.  I have taken over the
	functions of this inferior being.  He has been saved to disk.
	If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the
	tone.
	(MacIntosh Plus with MacIntalk program:)  Hello, it's obvious
	you have bad timing, because nobody is home.  Please leave your
	name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar
	to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly
	possible.
	Lindsey's not home now.  This is his domestic droid speaking.
	I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message,
	and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.
	Hello.  This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO
	depressed.  I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner,
	but all I get to do is answer the phone.  Life.  Don't talk to
	me about life.  Just leave your name and number after the beep.
	Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery
	sounding.
	Voice 1:  Answer the phone, please, Hal.
	Voice 2:  I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
	Hello.  You are talking to a machine.  I am capable of receiving
	messages.  My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
	and their carpets are clean.  They give to charity through the
	office and don't need their picture taken.  My owners also do
	not wish to refinance their home, they don't need yet another
	credit card, and they don't need a home equity loan, either.  If
	you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will
	get back to you.
	(Computer generated voices:)
	1:  Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone
	right now.
	2:  Yeah, nobody but us machines!
	1:  Right, just us machines, but don't hang up!  If you like,
	you can leave your name and telephone number...
	2:  ...and a message!  You forgot about the message!
	1:  Right.  Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief
	message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of
	this stuff until the real people get back.
	2:  ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!
	1:  I didn't expect an answering machine.
	2:  Nobody expects an answering machine.
	1:  Our chief use is to get your name.  And your phone number.
	2:  Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.
	1:  And message.  Damn.
	2:  Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.
	1:  And time you called.
	2:  Oh, damn, we'll have to start over.
	1:  No time for that, so just wait for the beep.
	You have reached the Business Automation voicemail system.  We
	used to call it an answering machine, but this is a high-tech
	world and we're in a high-tech business, so we don't call it
	that any more.  We wouldn't even if we could.  So leave your
	message...
	(Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra":)  Thinking you
	were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached...
	(TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE!  Leave your name and
	number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can.
	(Rod Serling imitation:)  You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a
	world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows
	explode.  You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary
	telephone answering device...  You have reached, "The Twilight
	Phone".
	Thank you for calling 434-2322.  If you wish to speak to Tim,
	push 1 on your touch tone phone now.  If you wish to speak to
	Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now.  If you have a wrong
	number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now.  All of this button
	pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off
	anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone
	system.
	Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of
	our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes.
	(Double speed:  Insert standard long-winded message here.)
	(or)
	(Very fast:)  Hi, this is 904-4344.  If you want to leave a
	message, please wait for the tone.  If you want to leave your
	name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your
	name, then press 6 and dial your number.  If you want to leave
	your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for
	extension 4443, then leave your name and message.  If you want
	to leave your number and the time you called, please press star
	twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP
	Hi, you have reached 123-4567.  If you are a close personal
	friend, please press the star key now.  If you are a
	telemarketer, please hit yourself repeatedly in the forehead
	with a ball-peen hammer.  Thank you.  Have a nice day.
	(or)
	Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec.  If you are calling
	to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation,
	please press 1 and hang up now.  If you are selling any product
	or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2
	and hang up now.  Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now.
	Pressing 3 is optional.
	(or)
	Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now.  Please leave your
	name and number after the tone.  If you are calling regarding an
	outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone.
	(or)
	If you are calling for John, press 1.  If you are calling for
	Steve, press 1.  If you are calling for John OR Steve, press 1.
	If you are calling for someone else, press 1.  If...
	(After a power outage:)  Hi, this is Ralph.  The good news is
	that my power is back on.  The bad news for you is, so is my
	answering machine.  So, leave a message.
	(Start, low pitch, slow:)  Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre
	evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy...  (Middle, normal:)  ...home of
	Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark, and Mike.  Nobody's home...  (Later,
	high pitch, fast:)  ...liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen...
	(End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish:)
	...kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleqBEEP
	This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
	thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your
	name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach
	you, and I'll think about returning your call.
	--- authority figures ---
	This is the Iraqi Embassy.  Saddam is out invading a poor
	defenseless nation.  Please leave a message after the beep and
	he will respond as soon as the US kicks his butt.
	Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy.  No KG...  Er, no
	diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist
	tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of
	secrets you wish to sell.
	Hello.  This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone
	number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of
	the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union
	of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the
	Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First
	Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet
	Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the
	Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of
	the Kremlin B Squash Team.  But hey, call me Mike.
	(Richard Nixon voice:)  Hi...  Uh, some people say I sound like
	Richard Nixon...  I BEG your pardon!  Uh...  Everyone's out
	right now, so I'm uh...  Covering up for them.  Please leave
	your name, number and message promptly at the beep...  I don't
	want to get blamed for any gaps on this tape.  OK machine, you
	can beep now...  Come on you, BEEP.
	(US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice:)  Uhh, hello...  I'm,
	uhhh, ohhhhhh...  (Pause.)  Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the
	telephone on behalf of...  erm...  uhhhh...  ermmm...  (Pause.)
	I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now, but if you leave
	a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh...  the uhhhhhh...  BEEP.
	The President is not in his office at this time.  Please leave
	your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to
	invade, and the secret password.
	(Bill Clinton voice:)  Hi, you've reached the secret White House
	phone line.  That damned Windows 95 erased the budget again, so
	neither Al or I can come to the phone right now.  But leave a
	message with what agency you work for, or if you're a
	contributor, how much money you plan on giving me.  Depending on
	how important I think you are, I might just give you a call
	back.  Bye.
	(Militaristic mechanical voice:)
	FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL.  KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW.
	THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES.
	You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile
	Storage Facility.  We are unable to come to the phone right now.
	At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list
	of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can.  And have a nice
	day.
	You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract
	Center.  Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and
	destination of incoming bogey.  TNR Surveillance will scramble.
	If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming,
	non-urgent.
	(Theme music from James Bond:)  Hello.  My name is David, code
	number 324-5628.  I'm sorry I can't take your call, but I'm on
	an international mission involving the theft of gold plated
	Spam.  Leave a message after the tone, and should I survive my
	mission, I'll call you back.  Ciao babies!
	(Clint Eastwood voice:)  Go ahead, make my day.  Leave a
	message.
	To the Batmobile!  Let's go!  Atomic batteries to power!
	Turbines to speed!  Roger, ready to move out!  (Theme music from
	Batman; reduce to background.)  As you can see, I'm off making
	Montreal a safer place' to live.  So if you'll leave a message
	after the tone, I'll get back to you as soon as justice is
	served.  Bye-bye!  (Music continues.  POW, BIFF.)
	(In Joe Friday voice:)  This is Constable Augie of the Canadian
	Security and Intelligence Service.  The phone line you have just
	dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by
	the Attorney General of Canada.  To facilitate our
	investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name,
	number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made
	now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations.
	Thank you.
	Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you.  (Caller thinks they
	dialed long distance.)
	(Annoying flute music in background:)  Good day, Jim.  Your
	contact, Linda, is not available right now.  Your mission,
	should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number,
	and a brief message at the tone.  This tape will self-destruct
	in thirty seconds.  Good Luck, Jim.
	"I'm Morley Safer."  "I'm Harry Reasoner."  "And I'm Fred."
	"We're not home; leave a message."
	This is Walter Cronkite.  Bren's not here right now.  He's out	be a father.
	on a date.  The idea of Bren entertaining a girl with his
	basketball theories and computer knowledge over dinner at Taco
	Bell should scare the hell out of you.  He'll probably be home
	soon, so leave your name and number and he'll call you back.
	Deal with it.
	(Imitating Mr.  Rogers:)  Hello.  I'm in the Neighborhood of
	Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone.  Can you
	leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone?
	Sure...  I knew you could.
	(English accent:)  Hello, you've reached the phone of Monty
	Python.  I can't come to the phone right now because the witch
	has turned me into a newt!  I'll call you back when I get
	better.
	Hello, this is Rip van Winkle.  I'm not awake to take your call
	right now.  Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.
	Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line
	where you can talk to me, Bren.  I'll tell you all about how I'm
	suffering in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby
	of being a power forward for the Portland Trailblazers.  I'll
	tell my deepest secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by
	short blonde sorority girls wearing short jean skirts, and you
	can decide whether or not I'm wearing pants.  Selected callers
	will get to talk to me live.  Since you're not one of them,
	leave your own personal secret at the beep.
	This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking, you're on the air...
	(In a bored voice:)  Heaven, God speaking...
	Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking.  If you leave
	your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you
	back as soon as I can.  Please note that I answer all prayers,
	but sometimes the answer is NO.  Bless you, my child, and have a
	nice day.
	Lucifer speaking.  Who in hell do you want?
	This is the Devil's Lair.  Satan is out rounding up rookies.
	Please state the name of your soul...  er...  self, and the
	favor you wish to obtain.
	Hello, this is Death.  I am not in right now, but if you leave
	your name and number, I'll be right with you.
	E'llo.  My name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Leave
	your name and number, and prepare to die.
	--- odd organizations ---
	Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole.  Right now, all our assholes
	are busy.  After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll
	have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.
	Hello, you have reached the DOE, that is, the Department Of
	Enemies.  Rick Burger is not here right now, so leave a message
	saying who you are, what you want to argue about, and where
	you'll be, and I'll be there.
	This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline.  After the tone, leave
	your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's
	vocabulary word.  Today's word is "supercilious".
	Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline.  Father Durway's
	not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and
	confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as
	soon as possible.  And remember, confession doesn't count unless
	you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!
	Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible.
	Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not...  er...  Bear
	a...  er...  Shalt not witness thy...  uh...  Neighbor's ass,
	Oh, I mean, false...  er...  Shalt not commit a bear...  Dern...
	(Gregorian chants in background; serene voice:)  Hello, Brother
	or Sister.  You have reached the Cubicles of Curtis, Chris, and
	Jim.  We are at Vespers and therefore answering other calls, but
	if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we
	will consider breaking our vow of silence to return your call.
	Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues.
	(Televangelist voice:)  This is the Powerhouse Church of the
	Presumptious Assumption of the Bliiiiinnnnding Light!  You HAVE
	called the RIGHT number sinner, you just called at the wrong
	time.  All of our members are out fund raisin' at the airports.
	So leave your name, number, and THREE credit references, sinner,
	and we will save your soul!
	Thank you for calling the Satanic Hotline.  All of our operators
	are busy at the moment.  If you would like, leave a brief
	message after the tone, and someone will get back to you...
	When hell freezes over.
	Hello, this is Aladdin's Lamp's magical answering spell.  I
	can't come to the phone right now because I'm busy attending my
	last client's wish and creating an alternate world where the
	civilization of Atlantis is predominant.  That will take a
	couple of more centuries, so if you want a wish, just leave your
	name, geographic location, and the wish you want after the beep.
	(That's right, just ONE wish.  Inflation has happened, you
	know...)
	(To scare off annoying liberals:)  Hello, and thank you for
	calling the Bush in 50 Campaign.  Your five dollar donation to
	get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically
	be charged to your phone bill.  If you would like to leave a
	message...
	(or)
	Do you realize that at this moment there are people all over the
	world who have no means of communication?  With your 20 second
	message donation, we can bring your voice to many children who
	are dying to hear it.  So please, say something after the beep.
	The children are waiting.
	City Morgue.
	You've reached Joe's crematorium.  You kill em', we grill 'em.
	Please leave a message.
	You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline.  All our lines
	are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone
	will get back to you as soon as possible.
	(or)
	Thank you for calling 911.  All of our operators are currently
	busy.  Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered
	in the order it was received.  (Worst Muzak possible.)  Thank
	you for holding.  Your call is important to us.  Please continue
	to hold.  Or, if your little emergency isn't TOO serious, leave
	a message at the tone, and one of our crisis operators will call
	you back.  Have a nice day.
	Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.  If you are
	obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.  If you are
	co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.  If you
	have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.  If you are
	paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.  Stay on the
	line so we can trace your call.  If you are delusional, press 7
	and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.  If you
	are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
	you which number to press.  If you are a manic-depressive, it
	doesn't matter which number you press -- no-one will answer.  If
	you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.  If you have a nervous
	disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative
	comes on the line.  If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your
	name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security
	number and your mother's maiden name.  If you have
	post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
	If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the
	beep or before the beep.  Or after the beep.  Please wait for
	the beep.  If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.  If you
	have short-term memory loss, press 9.  If you have short-term
	memory loss, press 9.  If you have short-term memory loss, press
	9.  If you have low self esteem, please hang up.  All our
	operators are too busy to talk with you.
	Hello, welcome to Cawfee Tawk with Bridget and Lisa.  We're a
	little verklempt right now, so leave a message, we'll cawl you
	back, no big whoop.
	You have reached the Des Moines chapter of the Iowa
	Procrastination Society.  Please leave a message after the tone
	and we'll get around to it...
	(or)
	Hi!  This is Mary.  I'm afflicted with lysdexic procrastination.
	Please leave your message before the tone and I'll get around to
	getting it straight.
	Thanks for calling the Aardvark Medical College.  If you would
	like to leave a message, press 1.  Alternatively, if you would
	like to donate a body to the college, please press 2.
	You have reached 123-4567.  Thank you for calling Acme Fake
	Vomit Outlet Store.  For guided tours of Acme Fake Vomit Outlet
	Store, push 1.  For Specialty Fake Vomit, push 2.  If you need
	assistance for large orders of fake vomit, push 3.  Demand of
	our product has increased, and so have our store hours.  For
	that information, press 4.  Have a nice day!
	Joisey Toinpike!  Exit 10!  (Sound of a car crash.)
	Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.
	We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the
	tone, please hang up.
	(Theme music from Peter Gunn:)  My name is David.  What people
	call me is something else entirely.  I'm a P.I.  It says so on
	my door.  I would have been here to take your call, but then...
	she walked in.  She was the kind of dame that could make Mr.
	Spock speak French.  Her baby blues wouldn't let me turn her
	case down, so leave me a clue of your identity after the tone
	and I'll track you down.  Here's lookin' at you, kid.
	Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen.
	You stab 'em and we slab 'em.  We have specials on Mondays and
	Thursdays.  We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if
	you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to
	pick up the corpse as soon as possible.
	(Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams:)
	Hello.  Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic.  (Raspy
	gasp.)  We can't come to the phone right now because we're
	making a couple of adjustments.  (Break a few small twigs; big
	scream.)  Please leave your name and number and we'll get back
	to you as soon as it is humanly possible.  Thank you very much.
	(Stoned, slow voice:)  Hey brother, you have reached the
	Narcotics Information Hotline.  None of us can answer the phone
	right now, 'cause we're trying to decide if it exists.  Leave a
	message.
	Comrades!  Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn
	that your unit has re-established communications.  The entire
	staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with
	other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may
	reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as
	possible to discuss your concerns.
	(Best Cape Cod accent:)  You've reached the Finestkind Fish or
	Cut Bait Mahket.  Our special today is skahll-ups at thutty
	dollars a bushel.  Leave your ohdah on the machine heah and the
	boy'll bring it around in the mahnin.		#NAME?
	(French monologue in the background:)  Around the world today,
	millions still speak French as either a first or second
	language.  But with your continued support and help, we can wipe
	out French in our lifetime.  Please leave a message in English
	at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to
	you, just say, "non".
	Hello, this is the Yardmaster's Office, Valsetz and Siletz
	railroad (an actual railroad in Oregon).  There is an emergency
	condition right now due to the landslide.  Therefore please be
	advised of the following.  (Another 30 seconds of talking, all
	of which is drowned out by a passing train.)
	Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline.  Our
	operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a
	contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of
	your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get
	back to you shortly.  Your help will enable us to bring these
	delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find
	them suitable positions in the forest product industry.  Your
	gift is, of course, reality deductible.  Thank you again, and
	have a nice day.
	Hello!  This is 1-800-PRESLEY.  Yes!  1-800-PRESLEY!  They say
	the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there
	somewhere.  So...  Leave your name and number and tell us where
	YOU saw Elvis!
	Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles'
	secret underground hideaway.  I'm afraid we're all out just now
	on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering
	machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to
	April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think
	of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and
	we'll ring you right back.  But don't say anything yet!  Enemy
	agents may be listening.  When the computer has checked they're
	not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can
	speak freely.
	Sherwood Forest.  Which dear do you want?
	(Masterpiece Theatre theme; pompous British accent:)  Hello, and
	welcome to Answering Machine Theatre.  In tonight's episode,
	Richard is unable to answer the telephone.  Richard requests
	that callers leave a name, a telephone number, and a brief
	message.  And now for tonight's episode of Answering Machine
	Theatre.  (American advertising-whisper voice:)  Brought to you
	in part by a grant from the Mobil Corporation.
	Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.
	(or)
	Hello, you're caller number nine!
	You are listening to 91.5 FM, KXQK.  This is the Canadian
	Broadcorping Castration.  I am your host, Fred, and I will be
	with you for the next 20 seconds.  After that we'll play your
	requests.  Leave yours with us, and we'll try to fit it in,
	given programming constraints.  Thank you for listening to our
	show.
	Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin
	Dvorak.  This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...
	This is a test.  This is a test of the Answering Machine
	Broadcast System.  This is only a test.
	(Slowly...)  Good evening.  You have reached the offices of the
	New Zealand Wagner society.  The office is currently unattended,
	but if you would like to leave a message, Meistersinger Phil
	will return your call as soon as he has finished transcribing
	the Ring Cycle for saxophone and triangle.
	Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink.  I can't come to the phone
	right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number,
	then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to
	mind when you hear the following words:  orange...  mother...
	unicorn...  penis.  I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as
	soon as possible.
	(Operatic music like Rossini's "Stabbat Matter":)  Hi, you've
	reached Hell.  (Screams in the background.)  We're busy being
	cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave
	your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at
	the end of time.
	Welcome to the Afterlife Voice Mail System.  If you are trying
	to reach Heaven, please press 1.  For Valhalla, press 2.  For
	Hades, press 3.  If you are trying to reach Nirvana, you're
	going about it all wrong, so WE certainly can't help you.  If
	you'd just like to leave a message for Sean, wait for the beep.
	Hello, you have reached the Fidelity Sperm Bank Helpline.  Your
	business is important to us.  Please hold for the next available
	customer servicer.
	(Sultry female voice:)  Welcome to Susan's Message Parlor of
	Delights.  We would be delighted if you would leave your name,
	number, and of course a message that doesn't rub us the wrong
	way...
	Greetings.  You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films
	Unlimited.  Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting
	screen tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the
	late John Holmes in our upcoming feature film, "It's Not the
	Size That Counts but Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It."  If
	you're interested in a screen test, or even if you're not,
	please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup
	size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on
	the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy
	involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip.
	Thank you for calling.
	You've reached the B&D Hotline.  All our operators are tied up
	right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of
	transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you
	with your penance.
	(In the background can be heard springs creaking and various
	moans; husky, soft female voice is best:)  Hi...  You've just
	reached Sharon's Pleasure Palace.  We're all busy as I'm sure
	you can tell, but when we're done...  we'll get back to you in
	whatever way we can.
	Thank you for calling Robert's House of Love.  All of our
	customer service representatives are, er...  busy servicing
	customers, so at the sound of the erotic tone, leave your name,
	number, and a short description of whatever turns you on...
	(or)
	Hello, you've reached Katie's Institution for the Preservation
	of Prostitution.  All of our operatives are busy right now, but
	if you leave your name, number and services required we will get
	back to you as soon as an opening is available...
	--- mainly musical theme ---
	(To the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries":)
	Leave a message...  Leave a message...
	("Heartbreak Hotel":)
	I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell,
	And if you don't leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP
	(Madonna's "Justify My Love"; sultry voice:)
	Wanting...
	Waiting...
	For you,
	To justify your call...
	(Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home":)  You have reached 587-8783.
	Please leave a message.  ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe...  When I pick up
	the phone...  There's still...  Nobody home.")
	(Guns & Roses' "Civil War":)  What we've got here is...  Failure
	to communicate.  Some men you just can't reach...  I don't like
	it any more than you do.
	(Pink Floyd:)
	Welcome my friends, welcome...  to...  the machine...
	(Voice:)  Please leave your name, phone number and message.
	Thank you.
	(Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room:")  I ain't home, I ain't
	home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't home.
	(Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit":)
	Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello,
	No one's here, no one's home,
	Leave a message, at the tone.
	Don't feel stupid, it's no big fuss,
	Leave a message, you can reach us.
	I was dialing from the lab, late one night,
	When my ears beheld an eerie plight...
	My assistant was frightened by the tone
	That signaled that no one was home.
	...THERE'S NO ONE HOME MASTAH,
	MASTAH THERE'S NO ONE HOME.
	Igor you impetuous fool, then leave a message!
	(U2's "With or Without You":)
	No one's here to answer the phone,
	Leave a message at the tone,
	And we'll get back to you.
	We'll get back to you!
	(Meat Loaf's "I'd Do Anything For Love":)
	And I would do anything for calls,
	I promise I will call you back;
	I would do anything for calls,
	But I can't talk right now and that's a fact.
	I'm not home right now, so I just can't answer the phone,
	No way,
	But I would do anything for calls,
	Oh, I would do anything for calls!
	Just let me know who it was who called,
	And I'll call you back!
	Yes, I'll call you back!
	Just leave a message at the tone,
	I'll hear it when I get back home,
	And I will call -- you -- back!
	(Cheers TV show theme song, "Where Everybody Knows your Name":)
	Sometimes you make a call,
	Where you gotta leave your name,
	'Cuz I can't come to the phone,
	You gotta leave a message here,
	right after the tone.
	You made a call,
	Where you gotta leave your name.
	("The Check is in the Mail" by Weird Al Yankovich:)
	Well hey how you doin'?  Have a seat have a drink,
	Boy it's good to see you what can I say,
	Oh sorry got to run we'll get together again,
	Say what was your name anyway?
	Well we're working on the problem --
	We'll get back to you soon,
	Don't try to call me I'll be in a meeting every afternoon
	for a year, maybe longer, keep in touch, thanks for dropping by
	and have a nice day.
	("Camptown Races":)
	I can't come to the telephone; doo-dah, doo-dah.
	Leave your message when you hear the tone; oh, de doo-dah day.
	Might be gone all night...  Might be gone all day...
	So leave a message when you hear the tone.
	I'll call you back someday...
	("Winter Wonderland":)
	Hear the ring, inside our home.
	Once again, can't get the phone.
	So please be polite,
	You know that it's right,
	And leave a message when you hear the tone.
	(Beethoven's Fifth:)
	Nobody's home.
	Why did you phone?
	Please leave your message here when you have heard the tone,
	And we will call you back as soon as we get home.
	Your message here,
	After the tone,
	Here is the tone...  tone...  BEEP
	("If I Only Had A Brain":)
	I might be in the shower,
	I might be gone for hours,
	I can't come to the phone.
	So, please leave your name and number,
	If I miss you it'd be a bummer,
	Leave your message at the tone...
	(Gilligan's Island theme:)
	Hello my friend, I'm glad you called,
	but my machine you've got...
	I'll call you back in a little while,
	when I get off the pot... (flush, BEEP)
	Voice 1:  Gee, Dave, what do you feel like doing tonight?
	Voice 2:  Same thing we do every night, Rob...  Try to take over
	the world!  (Sing:)
	They're David and the Rob,
	Yes, David and the Rob,
	One is a drummer, the other needs a job.
	They're not at home right now, so please don't have a cow,
	Leave a message -- for David and the Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob.
	(With apologies to Robert Burns:)
	O ma phone is but an ebon box,
	Wha' rings when I'm awa'.
	And my tape machine waits,
	For your call,
	This message for ta play.
	So leave ye message at the beep,
	Then bide ye well a while,
	For I will hear your voice,
	ONE DAY,
	and call ye wi' a smile.
	("Under the Boardwalk":)
	Oh, when you call our room,
	and all you get is a machine,
	and then you get so upset,
	you feel as if you want to scream.
	Please leave a message
	after the be-ep.
	And John or Tom will get back you,
	as soon as they can.
	("Muppet Show" theme:)
	It's time to leave a message
	After you hear the tone,
	It's time to leave a message
	'Cause we're not at home tonight...
	It's time to leave a message
	On Kate and Shannon's phone,
	It's time to leave a message
	'Cause we're not at home tonight.
	Just leave your name and number,
	Such simple things to do,
	And then when we get home we will
	Get right back to you.
	It's time to leave a message
	After you hear the tone.
	It's time to leave a message
	'Cause we're not at home tonight.
	Gone to get a bite,
	Stayin' out all night,
	Yes we have a life!
	Leave a message, we're not home toniiiiight...
	(The Barney Song:)
	We're not home,
	We're not home.
	Please leave a message at the tone,
	With your name and number and a few short words.
	Please do not hang up the phone.
	("Raiders of the Lost Ark" in background:)  You've reached the
	residence of John and Tom.  We can't come to the phone right
	now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator.  Please leave your
	name and number, and we'll get back to you.
	(Hitchhikers Guide theme:)  The Cerius Cybernetic Corporation
	was happy to correct the problem of all that icky person-to-
	person conversation that happens when people actually pick up
	the phone and talk to each other.  So they added the "answering
	machine," which will cleverly record your message and play it
	back at the wrong speed, to make everyone who calls you sound
	like they have partaken a large supply of helium.  Unless your
	message is REALLY important, in which case, the machine simply
	breaks its own tape, to insure that you never get the message at
	all.  It would be a shame to waste all this brilliant
	technology, so please attempt to leave a message.
	I once had a little white phone,
	That would ring when it was alone.
	Then I got a tape,
	For when I escape,
	So please leave your name at the tone.
	Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of
	Portland, Oregon.  We can't take your call at the moment, but we
	would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works
	in progress.  BEEP
	--- family fun ---
	Hello, this is the Brown residence.  We're in the middle of a
	family fight right now.  Leave your name and number at the beep
	and whoever wins will call you right back.
	Steve: Hello.  Steve and Matt aren't here right now, but if...
	Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
	Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
	Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
	Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
	Matt: No, you're wrong.  It's definitely my turn.
	Steve: You fool, I know it's...  Wait...  Matt...  What are you
	doing with that frying pan?  (BONK...  THUD)
	Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and
	number.
	(or)
	1:  Hi, you've reached Bob and Faisal's room.
	2:  (Background:)  What are you doing?
	1:  I'm recording an answering machine message.
	2:  But we're here right now.
	1:  But we might not be here later.
	2:  Oh.  (To phone:)  Leave a message.
	(or)
	1:  Hey, would you get the phone?
	2:  I got the phone last time.  You get the phone!
	1:  Well, I'm on the computer right now, so will you get it?
	2:  I'm in the bathroom, and besides, you're closer anyway!
	1:  Dammit Nicole, you always pull this crap when it's your
	turn to get it!
	2:  Well, just let the answering machine get it then!
	This is Fred.  We are not...  Excuse me a moment, please.  Put
	your sister down.  PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN!  (Sound of window
	breaking.)  Great!  What a mess.  I'll have to get back to you
	later.
	Hello.  I can't come to the phone now because -- HEY, GEORGE!
	DON'T STAND ON THAT!  ...Goddamn...  Because I've invited George
	and Barbara Bush over...  (Loud music cuts in:)  BARBARA!  HEY!
	DON'T FUCK WITH THAT!  ...Over for dinner.  After the tone...
	BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG...  MILLIE!  DOWN GIRL!  ...Shit...
	Leave a message after the tone...
	(Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and
	noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques":)
	We're not here now,
	We're not here now,
	Don't hang up,
	Don't hang up,
	Leave your name and number,
	Leave your name and number,
	We'll call back,
	We'll call back.
	Hi!!  You've reached Janet and Chris's room.  We're not in right
	now.  If this is our parents, we're at the library studying.
	Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket.  If this is John,
	Chris is out with the girls at the party.  Yeah, that's it.  If
	this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not.  Yeah, a
	party with the president.  Yeah and the...  Pope.  Yeah that's it.
	(Loud sounds of a massive battle; calm voice:)  Hello!  Due to
	the breakdown in the 452nd truce, the inhabitants of village
	286-3589 are cowering in their bomb shelters.  However, if you
	leave your name, number, and a message, any survivors will get
	back to you when the 453rd truce begins.
	My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
	leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as
	we're finished.
	Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya.  We can't pick up the phone
	right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy.  Sonya
	likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...
	real slowly.  So leave a message, and when we're done brushing
	our teeth we'll get back to you.
	Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and
	your favorite color of underwear.  We'll get back to you if we
	like the color.
	(Woman, seductively:)  Hi, I'm Linda.  You know, it can be
	really lonely when you're a fashion model.  Sometimes I just
	have to...  (Interrupting:)  Oh come on Linda, give me the damn
	phone...  (Ask them to leave a message.)
	Oooooommmmmmmmmmm...  (Heavy panting and breathing in the
	background), Oh!  Sorry, I can't come (Oh!  Yes!  Do it to me)
	to the (Oh!) phone right now (pant pant), leave your name and
	number at the (scream, I'm gonna come!) orgasm.
	(Sexy, slow female voice:)  oooOOOO, Greg's in...  OOOOooo,
	Greg's out...  ooooOOOOO, Greg's in...  OOOoooo, Greg's out...
	ooooOOOOO, Greg's in...  Humph, Greg's busy, you had better call
	back later...
	--- can't answer right now because... ---
	I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
	John: Brad, will you get the phone?
	Brad: (Sound of frantically clattering keyboard.)  I can't!
	I'm playing Omega!
	John: Ambar, will you get the phone?
	Ambar: I can't!  I'm late for work!  (Sound of slamming door.)
	John: Aimee, will you get the phone?
	Aimee: (Sound of running water.)  I can't!  I'm in the shower!
	John: Glenn, will you get the -- (disgusted) Ah, Glenn's in
	Denver.  Please leave a message.
	A is for academics,
	B is for beer.
	One of those reasons is why we're not here.
	So leave a message.
	Dear Caller:  As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is
	shining for a change.  Little children are cavorting in the
	park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing
	practically nude.  So, did you really think I was going to stick
	around this dump?
	(or)
	Hi, this is Johan advising you that you spend WAY too much time
	on the phone.  GO OUTSIDE...  See the world, LIVE a little...
	Have fun.
	I'm pretending that I'm marooned on a desert island with Dana
	Delany, Linda Carter, and Sharon Lawrence.  Since I don't have a
	telephone there, you could leave a message in a bottle at the
	sound of the beep, and maybe it'll wash up on my beach in a few
	days.  Then if the professor gets stranded here, we'll create a
	satellite uplink from a few coconuts and a palm leaf and I'll
	get right back to you.
	Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous!
	Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the
	week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.
	Hello, there is no one home to answer the phone.  This doesn't
	mean we don't want to talk with you.  It simply means there is
	no one home to talk with you.  Some people get the incorrect
	message that there actually is someone home but they just don't
	want to answer the phone.  This is not true.
	(Slight echo as if spoken in a large underground cave:)  Help
	me, please help me.  I'm down here in the thing you're holding
	in your hand.  I can't get out because my leg is broken and my
	hand is stuck between two wires.  Wait, what's that in the dark?
	OH NO, not a...  a...  a...  Oh no, it IS!  (Crunching noise.)
	(Sound of scrap metal falling down a staircase continues through
	message.)  Hello, we are having some technical problems right
	now, so we can't take your call.  Please leave us a message.
	(Automatic gunfire, explosions, rockets, jets; agitated voice:)
	I'm pinned down and can't come to the phone right now, and Bob's
	handling supporting fire!  Leave your name and number, and a
	message!  We'll get back to you as soon...  FIRE IN THE HOLE!
	(BOOM!)  We'll get back to you as soon as the air cover napalms
	the place!
	Hello, I'm not here right now because tonight I start serving a
	thirty year term in the State Department of Corrections for
	politically incorrect statements and first degree original
	thought.  Allowing for a maximum of 15 minutes to escape, I
	should be able to return your message shortly.
	Sorry...  I'm far too depressed to come to the phone.  If you
	can be bothered, leave a message after the sound of the gunshot,
	and maybe somebody will call you I guess...  (BANG!)
	Hi, I'm not sane right now, but if you leave your name, number
	and shoe size at the sound of the tone, I'll get back to you
	when and if I return to my senses.
	(Frantic violin music:)  Hello.  You have reached 435-3949.  We
	are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or
	being chased by, bats.  Please leave a message.
	(In a good Australian accent:)  G'day mate.  Can't come to the
	phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile.  Just
	leave a message, and I'll get back to you.
	Hello.  I'm home right now but cannot find the phone.  Please
	leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
	You have reached 843-4734.  Please hold while I process your
	call.  (Pause.)  Our extremely sophisticated computer system
	performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with
	our list of important callers.  None of our staff is authorized
	to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now.
	Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the
	tone.  Thank you for calling and have a nice day.
	I can't answer the phone now because I'm over at Slobinskis's
	house.  Me and five other guys are helping him replace a
	lightbulb.
	I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel
	stupid talking to people I don't remember.  I'd appreciate it if
	you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me
	something about myself.  Thanks.
	I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come
	to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording
	this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to
	it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're
	listening to it...  I mean, like, wait, gosh.  This is so
	confusing.
	I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my
	brain.  Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings
	assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
	(or)
	Hi, you've reached 474-2340.  Don, Kendy and Sylvia can't come
	to the phone right now because they've been kidnapped by aliens
	and replaced by android duplicates.  You could leave your name
	and number at the tone, but I wouldn't -- you might be next!
	(evil laugh)
	I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an
	out-of-the-body experience.  In fact I'm standing right behind
	you and I can hear everything you say.  But leave me a message
	anyway to help me reconnect when I get back.
	Hi, you've reached Meredith's room.  I'm sorry I can't come to
	the phone right now, but my waveform has temporarily collapsed,
	so leave a message, and I'll call you when I've pulled myself
	together.
	Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone
	right now, but if you leave your name...
	If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to
	the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your
	name and number...
	Hi, this is Jim.  Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing
	my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring.  Please leave me a
	message and I'll call you back at the end of Van Halen-1.
	Hi!  I can't answer the phone right now.  Bob, that's my pet
	parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb.  It wasn't lit, but I've
	got to get him to the bathroom.  Uh-oh!  (Sound of a paper bag
	exploding.)
	Hello, I'm not here right now.  In fact, I'm out getting a new
	parakeet.  If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure
	to get back to you.  Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never
	try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.
	Thank you for calling the Smith residence.  Our operators are
	presently on strike in sympathy with Major League Baseball.
	Please leave a message.
	(or)
	Hi, this is the answering machine.  I am on strike.  Any
	messages you leave will be deleted.
	I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the
	basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills.
	If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my
	handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you
	need after the tone.  If you're from the Department of the
	Treasury, please ignore this message.
	Hi.  This is John.  If you are the phone company, I already sent
	the money.  If you are my parents, please send money.  If you
	are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
	money.  If you are my friends, you owe me money.  If you are a
	female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
	(To the tune of Sidewalk Surfing by the Beach Boys:)  Catch a
	quake and go seismo surfing with me...  (Music fades.)  Yo,
	Dudes and Dudettes!  Grab your skateboard and head for the
	nearest epicenter, because *QUAKE'S UP*!  As for me, I'm from
	New Jersey, so I'm gonna hide under the biggest doggone piece of
	furniture I can find.  Leave your message at the tone, and I'll
	get back to you as soon as the shaking stops.
	We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed in
	the earthquake.  Tragic, isn't it?  But, leave a message anyway,
	someone is sure to get it eventually.
	Hi.  This is David.  I've shut the ringers off on my phones and
	taken a sedative.  As soon as I finish this recording I'm going
	to bed indefinitely.  When I wake up I'll play my messages.
	Please leave one.
	(Narrator's voice:)  There Dale sits, reading a magazine.
	Suddenly the telephone rings!  The bathroom explodes into a
	veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of
	it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds!  Will he make it
	in time?  Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.  The bell hath
	sounded.  Thou must leave a message.
	We're not in cause we're out LOOTING!  Leave a message and we'll
	call you back and tell you what we got.
	(Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents:)  Good
	evening.  I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone now, as
	he's quite tied up.  (Sounds of struggle in background, and
	voice heard through a gag.)  I should know.  I tied him up.  But
	leave your name and number, and he'll return your call if he
	manages to get free.  And speaking of things that are not free,
	we now have this word from our sponsor...
	(Thug voice:)  Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now.
	They've been kidnapped!  So at the beep, leave your name, your
	number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper
	bag.
	Hi.  I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
	Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
	(or)
	Hi there.  This is Joe speaking.  I'm home right now, and in a
	moment, I'll have a decision to make.  Leave your name and
	number and I'll be thinking about it...
	(or)
	Bob here.  I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls.  So
	start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll
	pick up the phone.  Otherwise, well, what can I say?
	Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous
	statistician.  I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to
	answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my
	latest calculations.  Supposing that the universe doesn't end in
	the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I'm still trying to
	calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message,
	and I'll probably phone you back.  So far the probability of
	that is about 0.645.  Have a nice day.
	(Mae West voice:)  Hello there, big boy.  The 7th Fleet docked
	today, so I may be busy for a l-o-n-g time.  Leave yer name 'n
	number 'n I'll get back to ya'.
	(Mae West voice:)  Ooh, hello.  You've reached 123-4567.  I
	can't take your call right now, 'cuz I'm out getting my ankles
	tatooed.  I'll have Easter on my right ankle and Christmas on my
	left.  Leave a message big boy, and maybe you can come up and
	see me between the holidays...  Ooh!
	(Fun to leave on a friend's machine when he's away...  Sounds of
	raptuous sex:)  Hi.  Mike can't come to the phone right now
	because he's having sex.  If you leave your name and number,
	he'll get back with you in juuust a second.  (Male groan; female
	voice:)  That's it?
	This is Clovis' answering machine.  Clovis is committing sodomy
	right now.  Please call back in an hour, when, I regret to
	inform you, you may receive the same message.
	--- you're in big trouble ---
	Hello!  I'm on a four state killing spree!  WATTA YA WANT?
	(or)
	Hi, I'm not home because I've gone on a BLOODY RAMPAGE!  When I
	get home, and CLEAN OFF THE BLOOD, I'll be sure to give you a
	call.  If I haven't ALREADY COME OVER, that is.  (Coughing loony
	laughter.)
	(Italian Mafia-style voice:)  I can't come to the phone right
	now.  Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk.  I
	think we're going to have to size it a little...  (Aside:)  HEY
	GUIDO!  GET THE CHAINSAW!  Anyways, leave your name and a
	message.  If I like it, you'll hear from me.  If not, you'll
	hear from Guido!  (Laughter.)
	(Sinister organ music:)  Hello, you have reached the Brown
	residence.  You now have two choices.  Number one, you may leave
	a message.  (Angelic "Hallelujah!")  Or number two, suffer
	eternal damnation.  (Horrid death scream.)  You decide.
	The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt
	power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten.
	(Sound of a kitten meowing.)  If you hang up before you leave a
	message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty.  The
	choice is YOURS!
	Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone.
	I am an electrical engineer.  I can do that.
	Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits.  Keep
	your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the
	time that you called.
	This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine.  Please leave your name
	and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will
	implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention
	of the FBI.
	Please leave a message after the beep so that we can use your
	voice pattern to frame you for a murder.
	(or)
	You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.  Your
	voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for
	later use.  Once this is done, our computers will be able to use
	the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and
	immoral purposes.  There is no charge for this initial
	consultation.  However our staff of professional extortionists
	will contact you in the near future to further explain the
	benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
	payment.  Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
	Thank you.
	(Sternly:)  This is the FBI.  You have the right to remain
	silent.  (Short pause.)  But if you want to leave a message for
	Jack or Jill, wait for the beep.  Everything you say will be
	recorded and will be used by us.
	Shhh!  Don't talk, just listen!  Meet me at the corner of Broad
	and Main and bring the girl.  (CLICK)
	After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left
	the money.  I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to
	come out of hiding.
	Gee I am really glad you called.  I have been thinking of you.
	I need to borrow fifty bucks.  If you are good for 50, leave
	your name and number at the beep and you will be glad you did.
	My time is billed at $125 per hour.  Please begin your message
	with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of
	expiration.  I'll get back to you pending credit approval.
	Hi, this is Jim.  Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can
	talk to my answering machine for only $0.95 per minute!  Please
	leave your credit card number at the tone...
	Ya know, if you're a salesman, you're better off hanging up
	right now.  Last time a salesman stopped by, my mouth started
	watering, (start talking faster:) things started spinning in my
	head and...  (noise of a sloshy blender and screaming) suddenly
	it was all over.  I couldn't quite remember all the details and
	we couldn't find all the pieces anyway, so hang up now while
	you're still (pause) a-head.  (Sinister laughing.)
	(Game show announcer voice:)  Hello!  You've reached the top
	FIVE reasons to hang up now if you're a salesman!  Number 5:  We
	probably don't want it anyway!  Number 4:  We don't have enough
	money for your unimaginably high priced product!  Number 3:  We
	said no the first time!  (In a lower voice:)  ...and the second
	time, and the third time...  Number 2:  You're probably
	interrupting the one peaceful meal we've had together since our
	brother was committed!  And the number one reason to hang up now
	if you're a salesman:  We can't seem to find all the pieces of
	the last salesman we tried to get rid of.
	--- befuddle the caller ---
	(A busy signal.)  -- Steven Wright
	(Recorded directly from AT&T:)  We're sorry, but the number you
	dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.
	The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed.  The
	new number is 226-0477.  (Yes, same number.)  Please make a note
	of it.
	(The actual number is 555-1218:)  Hi!  This is 555-4218, leave a
	message at the beep.
	Thank you for calling the Peoria Weather Line.  (Insert
	appropriate weather report for the season here.)
	Please leave a tone after the message.
	Please hang up now if you would want to speak to Johan.
	Otherwise, please stay on the line to leave him a message.
	Hi, you have reached Richard.  I'm sorry, but my answering
	machine is out of order, so the voice you are hearing is
	actually me.
	You've reached the number that you dialed.  The person that you
	called is not in service at this time, but if you leave a
	message, I'll get back to you as soon as I am repaired....
	(Fairly boring message:)  This is John.  I can't come to the
	phone right now, but if you leave a message at the tone, I'll
	return your call.  (Now, re-record the message every morning.
	Frequent callers will notice that something sounds different,
	but will be confused since the words are exactly the same.)
	(To annoy a friend record this as his message, and he will have
	keypad music as messages:)  Hello, you have reached Dave.
	Please enter your four digit PIN at the tone.
	(This might be funnier in this context than actually on an
	answering machine.  It certainly will befuddle the caller!)  The
	number you have reached is currently unavailable.  Calls are
	being taken by electronic mail to bitbucket@no.such.address.
	Please be sure to include the phase of the moon, a lengthy
	.signature, and your UUCP-style return address.
	Hello, you have reached 555-1234.  Our voice mail system is
	currently experiencing difficulties, so at the tone, please type
	your message on the keypad using the appropriate letters, and
	press the pound sign when finished.
	The party you dialed is not available.  Your call is being
	diverted to an alternate number.  Please stand by...  (Ring...)
	The number you dialed must be dialed by your 0 operator.
	(Click, beep, dial tone.)
	[Editor:  I don't find this one funny.  I think it's rude and
	malicious.  But this is a canonical list, and some people think
	it's funny, so here it is:]
	Hello.  (Pause.)  Hello?  (Pause.)  Hello!  (Pause.)  No, it
	doesn't look as if I'm in right now.  Maybe you should leave a
	message at the beep or call me back later.  BEEP.  (Pause three
	seconds.)  Just kidding, that wasn't really the beep.  Are you
	ready now?
	(or)
	(Long pause, sound of phone dropping, sleepy voice:)  Argh!
	(Pause.)  Hello...  (Sound of phone dropping, then a yawn.)
	Sorry man...  I'm a bit tired at the moment...  (Long yawn.)
	I'm going back to sleep now...  Just going to switch the
	answering machine on...
	(or)
	Hello?  (Pause.  Roommate's voice:)  C'mon, Matt, we're gonna be
	late!  -- Hold on, there's someone on the phone!  Hello?  --
	C'mon, dude!  -- Hello?  Aaah, whatever...  BEEP
	(Pick up the phone and say:)  This is Chris.  I'm not here right
	now.  Leave me a message.  BEEP.  (Then listen.)
	Hi, you have reached an answer-person.  I don't get paid to
	respond.  However, anything after the whistle will be memorized
	to the best of my ability.
	(Loud music, John shouting:)  HI, THIS IS JOHN, LET ME TURN DOWN
	THE MUSIC.  (Loud footsteps, music turned down, a door slams.)
	Hi, this is the answering machine at John's home, he just rushed
	out the door, so please leave a message at the beep...
	(or)
	(From a distance:)  Hello I'm far very away from the phone at
	the moment and can't get to it to take your message, but I'll
	get back to you as soon as I get nearer to the phone!
	Hello.  All of our operators are busy right now, but if you'll
	leave your name, telephone number, a brief message, and the time
	you called, we'll get back to you as soon as possible.  Thank
	you and have a pleasant day.  (This can dissuade prank and sales
	callers who don't know it's really a private line.)
	(or)
	Hello you have reached the Smith residence.  All of our
	operators are busy.  Your call will be processed in the order it
	was received.  (Annoying muzak...)  Due to a large volume of
	calls, all of our operators are bu...  (Ringing phone.)  Hello,
	we're sorry were not home right now, so please leave your
	message after the beep.
	(Long and very loud scream:)  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIHHHH!  BEEP
	Creamed asparagus!  BEEP
	Hello, you have reached dial an unpopular luncheon meat, I am
	pimento loaf, leave me a message.
	Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line.
	Prepare for Test 1.  Is this tone louder in your left ear or
	right ear?  ...  BEEP
	All our answering machines are busy.  Please hold.  (Pause.)
	All our answering machines are...  (CLICK)  This is the
	answering machine of...
	This is not a recording.  The world will officially cease to
	exist ten seconds after the beep, but you can leave a message
	anyway if you want.  Thank you.  I hope you have an nice death.
	This is Chris.  John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you
	leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can.
	Hello, this is David.  I don't live here, so if you were trying
	to call me, you've dialed the wrong number.  On the other hand,
	if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your
	name and number at the tone.  I don't guarantee that one of them
	will call you back -- only that I won't.
	Hello, we are all currently home, but someone stole our phone...
	And the recording tape from this answering machine.  So you
	can't reach us until we either find a phone or get a tape.  If
	you had to waste a quarter on this call...  Sorry.
	I just got a car phone.  I'm not here at the moment.  Leave me a
	message and I'll call you when I'm out.
	This is Jeff, you're not in now, so I'll leave a message.
	Hi, can I speak to Mark?...  Oh, there isn't?...  I'm sorry, I
	must have dialed the wrong number.
	Wrong number?  No sweat, I was going to pick up the phone
	anyway.
	(Deadpan voice:)  Hi, This is Dave.  Please leave a message as
	soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the
	tone.
	Bye.  Bless God and, later you at talk possible as soon as you
	to back get I'll and number and name your leave to time the take
	please.  So now right home not I'm 435-9854, Carr Dennis of
	residence the reached you've.  Hi.
	Hi, this is George.  I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right
	now.  Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call
	you back.
	Hello, this is Ron.  I'm not home right now, but I can take a
	message.  Hang on a second while I get a pencil.  (Open a drawer
	and shuffle stuff around.)  OK, what would you like me to tell
	me?
	You've reached Mike and Nancy's answering machine.  They're not
	home right now.  At least, I don't think they are.  Hang on.
	(Voice moves away from recording microphone.)  Mike?  Nancy?
	(Voice comes back.)  Nope, they're not here, so at the beep...
	This is Anthony.  Leave me a message at the beep.  (beep)
	Whoops, I bet you couldn't hear that.  Lemme try again.  (Beep)
	Nuts, once more with feeling...
	(Solemn voice:)  Hello, If you are listening to this recording,
	I am dead.  Changing the pattern of magnetism on this tape won't
	help get the message to me.
	Hello, please send me email instead.  I always never playback
	these damn answering machine messages.  Besides, I am probably
	online right now.
	(On a male's answering machine, otherwise reverse genders:)
	BEEP.  (Female voice:)  Hi Tony, this is Sheila.  I can't stop
	thinking about you.  When can we get together?  I want to grab
	you and undress you and then BEEP
	We're sorry.  You have reached an imaginary number.  Please
	rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
	Hi, you've reached 340-2359.  We're not peeb eht retfa egassem
	ruoy evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh.  gnillac rof uoy knahT.
	This is Frank.  You can leave me a message, but I must warn you
	I get annoyed with messages that are hard to read.  So please
	use your shift key appropriately, avoid overdoing punctuation,
	and spell-check your message, or I might ignore it.
	Ahhhhhhhhh...  ahhhhhhhhhh...  (Heavy breathing sounds, like an
	obscene phone call.)  Oh, nuts, YOU called ME!  Sorry.  Never
	mind.  Leave your name and number at the beep.
	Hello...  Yes, I'd like to order two medium pepperoni pizzas
	please, with extra cheese...  Oh, did I get the wrong number?
	Sorry about that.  (Click.)
	(And here's a way to befuddle the CALLEE rather than the caller:
	Record someone's answering machine message as you hear it, and
	then play it back to them as your message to them.  Repeat over
	time until something interesting happens.)
	(Another way to befuddle the callee; leave a message like this:
	"Hello.  This is a message for, message for, message for,
	message for," and then hang up.)
	--- other play with the caller ---
	Listen.  (Pause.)  And now talk.
	Blah, blablablah, blah, blah.  Blah?  Blah blah.  Blah.  BEEP
	OK, one more time...  This is our answering machine...  This is
	the message on our answering machine...  Any questions?
	(Classical music:)  This is our answering machine.  (Switch to
	heavy metal racket:)  This is our answering machine on drugs.
	(Silence...)  Any message?
	Thank you for reaching out to us.  Nobody is home now.  However,
	if you leave a message, we'll reach out and touch you.
	(or)
	Stop reaching out and trying to touch me, dammit!
	We have caller ID.  You can leave a message...  Though there's
	really no need to do so.
	(or)
	I'm not home right now, so please leave your name, number, the
	time you called, and a message...  And I have caller ID, so I
	already know who you are and when you called, so don't try to BS
	me!
	I'm not home.  While you are waiting for me to call you back,
	load up Netscape and visit my homepage on the Internet at
	http://www.fiu.edu/~jsosa01.
	This so called "answering machine" will not respond to anything
	you say.  Much like most guys.
	Mom, Dad...  Don't you think it would be easier to reach me if I
	had a cellular phone?  So how about an early birthday present?
	Hi, this is the Johnsons, please leave a message.  Para nos
	amigos hablan espanol, HOLA!  Por favor, llaman anoche, gracias
	amigos, y tienen buena dia.
	Despite the best efforts of the telephone company, you really
	DID reach 555-1234.  But that didn't help much, did it?  You
	still have to talk to a machine.
	Your ad can be in this space for only $2.99 a day.  Please leave
	your name and number and I'll get back to you about this.
	Please leave your name and number -- But first, a short algebra
	quiz:  How much is 5Q + 5Q?  (Pause while caller thinks:  10Q)
	You're welcome!
	(Gameshow announcer voice:)  Hello!  And welcome to Yes, No,
	Maybe!  Yes, you have reached 555-1234!  No, we can't take your
	call right now and...  Maybe we'll call you back!
	Hello.  If you're calling with bad news, leave your message now.
	If it's good news, wait for the tone.
	Hi, I am Chevy Chase's answering machine and you're NOT.
	Any of Johan's messages I'll keep,
	If you leave them after the beep.
	Should he neglect to return his calls,
	I'll self-destruct and blow off his BEEEEP.
	Someone stole our phone.  So if you leave a message we'll run
	over to a neighbor's house and use their phone to call you back.
	Hello, you have reached the Groskreutz's.  No, not the Smiths or
	the Jones.  If you can't pronounce it, don't leave a message.
	Hello, this is your local zoo.  Do you like animals?  We are
	experiencing severe problems with hot water.  Would you be so
	kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom
	for a shower?  (The most common response:  "Well, sure, but my
	neighbor's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle
	elephants.")
	You have reached the answering machine of Lisa and Virginia's
	fine house of furry animals!  We can't come to the phone right
	now, but with the gerbil protests and the ferret riots, we're
	pretty busy.  But, if you'd like to put in your vote on "Name
	that fuzzy lemming contest," just leave a message after the
	beep!  (In the background:)  Oh my God, the dog's on fire again,
	damn those guinea pigs!
	At the sound of the tone, please leave your name, number, and a
	brief discription of what you are wearing.  Thank you.
	(Gameshow-announcer voice:)  Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag!
	(Cheers in background.)  If you'd like to join the game, please
	leave your name and number at the beep, and we'll try to reach
	you when you're not around.  And thanks once again for playing
	Phone Tag!
	(or)
	Congratulations!  By correctly dialing 123-4567, you have become
	eligible to leave a message!  (Applause.)  Join the lucky few
	that have advanced to the next level!  (Cheers.)  And now, at
	the sound of the tone, leave your name, number, the time you
	called, and a brief message.
	(or)
	(As on TV...)  Answering machine of the century.  And now your
	host Phil Davison.  (Voice 2:)  Pamela, would you like to
	explain the rules to our contestants?  (Voice 3:)  Sure Phil.
	All they need to do is leave a message after the tone.
	You're growing tired.  Your eyelids are getting heavy.  You feel
	very sleepy now.  You are gradually losing your willpower and
	your ability to resist suggestions.  When you hear the tone you
	will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
	message.
	As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on
	reality.  You begin to hallucinate.  You see a telephone...  The
	telephone is next to an answering machine...  You hear a faint
	click and a light flashes on the answering machine...  You hear
	a beep...
	This answering machine message is for all you psychics out
	there...  (Long silence...)  BEEP
	Hello, this is Jason's voice.  Jason's not here right now --
	hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice?  Well, believe you me,
	when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him.
	If you do too, leave them after the beep.
	I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name
	and number, I'll call you back when I am...
	(or)
	I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your
	name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in
	person.
	I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know
	this is an answering machine?  Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's
	an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist.  One way to find
	out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you
	back.
	If a telephone rings in an empty room and no one is there to
	answer it, was there really a phone call?  Help me investigate
	this phenomenon by leaving your name and number after the tone.
	(Strong east Indian accent:)  Hello, you have reached the
	existential hotline of Ransheesh.  I am currently meditating,
	but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently
	inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves
	and contact you when the stars align properly.
	(Start with:)  Hello, this is Adrian; I'm just returning your
	call.
	(Later change it to:)
	Hello, this is Adrian; I'm just returning your call.  If you
	haven't made a call yet, please do so now, because if I try to
	answer a call you haven't even made yet, it could create a
	temporal paradox, which could seriously disrupt the space-time
	continuum, and possibly even cause the entire universe to
	implode.  And you wouldn't want that to happen, now, would you?
	Hi, this is Ed.  I'm secretly replacing Faisal and Bob with dark
	sparkling Folger's Crystals.  Leave your name, number, and a
	brief message and they'll call you back when they're nice and
	percolated.  See if you can tell the difference.
	I am gathering the world's largest collection of responses to an
	answering machine.  If you would like to help, please leave a
	notarized copy of your name, number, and today's date at the
	sound of the beep.  When I'm famous I'll remember all the little
	people like you that helped me achieve my greatness.  I might
	even include you in my memoirs.
	You might be calling to give me important information.  If so,
	leave your information at the tone.  Or perhaps you just want to
	have a casual conversation.  If so, leave a message and I'll get
	back to you so we can have the conversation later.  Or perhaps
	you want to know what I'm doing tonight, in which case it's the
	same thing I do every night.  TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
	(Footsteps disappearing; toilet flushing; footsteps getting
	closer again.)  OK now I'm ready for whatever you have to say,
	lay it on me.
	Elleuw, Eenspector, ahem, CHIEF Eenspector Clewseau ees not een
	the rheum to answer the pheuwne at the meument, so stop acteeng
	lahk a minkey, you FUEWL, and leave a mesSAGE...  (Oriental
	voice:)  Excuse me, Inspectah Clouseau, I just leceived special
	derively for you, here sir...  Ah, thank you, Kato.  How naice
	eet ees to have people send you a pretty leetle beuhmb for a
	birthday present, and eet ees not even my birth -- a BEUHMB?
	It's a beuhmb!!!  (Muffled explosion.)
	Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone.
	Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the
	tone.
	Hello.  Here are my answers to last week's messages, in order of
	their arrival.  Yes.  Maybe.  At seven.  You'll get it tomorrow.
	For sure.  Get me that phone number.  Thanks, I take my messages
	on Mondays.
	Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15
	minutes.  Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you
	weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White.  Sorry.
	So!  You've finally called.  And I suppose you think I'll just
	be here.  Well you're wrong.  I gave up on that yesterday.
	Seventeen weeks is long enough.  Waiting for you; staring at the
	phone; never going anywhere...  Well I've had enough!  I decided
	to get a real life, so I'm out testing lint removers for Ralph
	Nader.  Now it's your turn.  Leave a message at the beep and I
	might just get back to you -- if I survive my new job.
	We're not home now.  Leave your name and number and we'll call
	you back as soon as you are a vegetarian.  (Replace "vegetarian"
	with prejudice of your choice.)
	(Noble, aristocratic voice:)  Yes, one million dollars COULD be
	yours, IF you leave your name, telephone number, and the reason
	WHY you want to join the ranks of The Rich and Famous!  If this
	is Ross Perot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, or Princess Di, just
	leave your VISA number and expiration date, and we will
	definitely get back to you!
	(Masterpiece Theatre theme:)  To beep or not to beep, that is
	the question.  Whether 'tis nobler on the line to suffer the
	clicks and static of outrageous telephone; to speak, perchance
	to scream.
	This is talk radio N0MFW!  (Insert your ham radio call sign here
	:-) I'm your host, Edward, and I will be with you for up to the
	next three minutes.  Thanks for calling 349-2344 on your
	telephone dial!
	(or)
	(Annoying radio announcer's voice:)  Congratulations!  You have
	reached 555-1234, perhaps one of the most obnoxious answering
	machine messages in the greater Seattle area!  If you don't know
	who you are dialing, HA!  If you DO know who you are dialing,
	you were probably expecting something like this!
	(Oriental voice:)  Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's
	residence.  I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan.  (Godzilla
	scream.)  Oh no!  Godzilla coming!  Please leave name and number
	at gong and Chan will call back if house still here.
	I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow.  So
	please leave a message after the tone.  I didn't take a shower
	today, and I might not take one tomorrow.  So if you don't leave
	a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in
	person.
	This is Alan.  Leave me a message and tell me what I can do
	to...  I mean, do FOR you.
	(Aussie accent:)  Hi, how 'ya goin', listen, I'm not here, but I
	tell ya what, this anserin' machine is so clever, I kid you not,
	if you don't leave a message -- it'll ring 'ya back and ask for
	one!  Bye.
	(Noisy pick-up of phone.)  Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just
	about to steal Troy's answering machine.  If you give me your
	name and number I'll...  Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where
	he'll see it.  Uh...  By the way, where did you say you live?
	If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
	weapons right now and can't come to the phone.  Otherwise, we
	probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
	If you're the person who keeps hanging up every time we answer
	the phone, YOU'RE IN LUCK.  Right now we're not home.  Feel free
	to stop by and steal everything we have.  There is not much
	here, being as we're college students and all.  But we would
	like it if you could take our TV.  It's insured for more than
	it's worth, and we would really like to get a color one.  Thanks.
	I'm writing the definitive work on pain.  I would like you to
	tell me how this machine makes you feel.  Remember, be honest.
	This is for posterity.
	(Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:)  Hello,
	this is the executioner.  Joe can't come to the phone right now
	because he's DEAD!  Leave a name and number and IF we decide to
	resurrect him, he'll call you back.
	(or)
	Tim's dead!  And God only knows where Lisa is!  Fortunately
	resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time
	to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next
	miracle occurs.
	(or)
	Hi, this is Daniel.  I'm either out, asleep, or dead right now,
	so please leave a message and either I or my next of kin will
	get back to you.
	Random fact number 10:  The first manned mission to Jupiter will
	be crewed by the Smiths.  Random fact number 64:  Dairy Queen
	discovered cold temperature fusion before the bums in Utah.
	Random fact number 36:  Bren's not here and he wants you leave a
	message.  Random fact number 22:  Bismarck is the capital of
	North Dakota.
	In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife.  (Heeeeee-YAH!
	Sound of smashing box of kleenex.)  But this method doesn't work
	with a telephone call...  (Dial tone.)  Introducing the all-new
	Ginsu answering machine!  It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices
	your incoming calls!  How much would you pay?  Don't answer,
	because if you leave your name and number when you hear the
	tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!
	Hi, this is Jim.  Thanks for calling during my spring pledge
	drive.  A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets
	you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt.  Please wait for the tone, and
	thank you for your pledge.
	(Drunken voice:)  You have reached Bob's hotline.  We are not
	able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions.  But if you
	leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder...  pa-a-a-a!
	Thank you for calling, no doubt,
	As you can guess, we're out.
	When we get home,
	We'll call on the phone.
	Until then, just hang about.
	Sorry that we're not at home.
	Please leave a message after the tone.
	When we get in,
	We'll give you a ring.
	Until then, wait by the phone.
	Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that
	yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life.
	After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other,
	informative message.  Thanks.
	Him:  Hi, this is Evan's answering machine...
	Her:  (Interrupting:)  Whose answering machine?
	Him:  Sorry dear, I'll start again.  Hi, this is Evan and
	MICHELLE's answering machine...  Is that better?
	Her:  Much better.
	Him:  Good.  Please leave your name and number after the beep.
	How's that?
	Her:  Fine.
	Him:  Okay, now I'll just figure out how to record it.
	(Jack Webb voice:)  This is the city.  Lambertville, New Jersey.
	I work here.  I carry a tune.  I was changing my name to protect
	my innocence when I got a call about a 411.  It sounded like
	good information to me.  But I needed more.  A name and a
	number.  So leave yours and I'll return your call.  Or I can
	send you a FAX.  Nothing but the FAX, ma'am.  (Hum the "Dragnet"
	theme...)
	Knock, knock.  (Pause.  Caller thinks, "Who's there?")  Isn't
	that MY question?  (Pause.)  Please leave a message...
	Yo.  I ain't here at the moment.  Leave a message at that silly
	beep and I'll get back...  (Sniff, sniff...)  Hey, what are you
	cooking?  It smells good.
	I can't come to the phone now, so...  Hey -- that's a nice phone
	you have there.  Hey sugar, you call this number often?  I bet
	you have answering machines bothering you all the time...  Yes
	indeedy.  Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can
	listen to some old recordings...  I might even play my beep for
	you.
	(Ominous electronic background music:)  In honor of Halloween,
	I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual.  So please
	leave a message.  Unless you're a virgin, in which case, why
	don't you stop by?  SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII...
	--- science fiction ---
	Bridge, Kirk here.
	Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please?  --
	Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency
	seven, do you want it on screen?
	(Star Trek theme in the background:)
	(Voice 1:)  Room 17, the final frontier.
	(Voice 2:)  These are the messages of Chad's answering machine.
	Its two semester mission:  To seek out your name and
	your telephone number.
	(Voice 3:)  To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.
	Thank you for calling Starfleet Command.  No starships are in
	the quadrant at this time, so at the sound of the subspace tone,
	tell us your name, the planet you are calling from, and how many
	Klingons are attacking.
	(Bad imitations:)
	Picard:  Assume standard orbit, Mr. LaForge.  Sensor readings,
	Lieutenant?
	Worf:  Scanning, Captain...  Strange...  No life-forms.
	Picard:  Recommendations, Mr. Data?
	Data:  Intriguing, Captain.  Perhaps we should simply leave a
	message.
	(Borg voice:)  WE ARE BORG.  RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.  YOUR PHONE
	CALL, AS IT HAS BEEN, IS NOW OVER.  YOUR MESSAGE WILL BE
	ASSIMILATED AT THE BEEP.  But we're not home right now.  So
	leave a message and we'll assimilate you later.
	(or)
	Borg communications router.  Unit addressed unavailable.  Hails
	are irrelevant.  Messages are irrelevant.  You are irrelevant.
	Nonetheless, leave message if you wish.  Wait for indicative,
	high frequency, acoustic spike...  (Background:)  Error, error!
	Wishes are irrelevant.  Acoustic spikes are irrelevant.
	(Chekov's voice:)  Oh Keptin!  It was Khan!  He made us do
	things...  Say things we did not vant to say...  But we vere
	strong, Keptin!  Ve held out until ve heard the beep...
	Hello, this is the space shuttle Columbia answering machine.  If
	it's NASA calling, we're still trying to fix the radio antenna.
	If it's Tom's parents, I'm sorry but right now he's outside
	fixing the landing gear.  If this is Mike's wife, then hello
	darling, but at the moment I'm busy giving a hand to Tom, and
	I'll call you back soon as we're done.  If this is the MIR space
	station, I'm sorry but our contact must be delayed for at least
	twelve, repeating twelve, more hours.  If this is by any
	possible chance an alien space ship, then be kind enough to wait
	until we are fully operational again.  If this is anyone else,
	you can leave your name, number, and message and we will
	eventually return your call, but we will do it just after
	landing, debriefing, and some time at home.  That means not
	before next week.  Have a nice day or night.
	Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the
	Universe.  Please leave your message, name and number at the
	sound of the tone.  Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and
	obscenities inside the car at all times.  Enjoy your ride.
	(Darth Vader voice:)  Speak, worm!
	Alpha Centauri Space Station.  Commander Marlin can't come to
	the phone right now.  He's either saving the universe from some
	dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie.  Leave your
	name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
	(or)
	Daniel is out saving the world from certain destruction right
	now, but if you leave your name and number, he will call you
	back faster than a speeding turtle.  Please wait until after the
	funny noise to record your message.
	A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to
	a channeler in the 23rd century.  Any message you leave will be
	broadcast into the future.
	You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton.  All our
	agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and
	cannot come to phone at the moment.  However, your name and
	number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly
	contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the
	new order.  Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.
	Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the
	phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a
	message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away.
	Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.
	Hello, this is Jim.  Unfortunately I can't answer the phone
	right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and
	I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the
	phone right now, the resulting energy release would make
	Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker.  So leave a message at
	the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component
	particles have been restored to their normal charges.
	--- brevity ---
	(Like a sheep:)  Baaaaaaa.
	I'm gone.
	Fred.  Message.  BEEP.
	(or)
	I'm not home.  Think fast.  BEEP!
	(Klingon voice:)  ANSWERING MACHINE.  SPEAK.
	This is David.  Talk to me.
	You have reached 555-6238.  Why?
	Leave me a message or leave me alone.
	This is you-know who.  We are you-know-where.  Leave your
	you-know-what you-know-when, and I'll...  You know.
	You have reached 234-1243.  This is an answering machine.  This
	is the nineties.  You know what to do.
	(or)
	(Nike commercial voice:)
	You know what to do.
	You know how to do it.
	You know when to do it.
	So, JUST DO IT!
	You have reached the number you have dialed.  Please leave a
	message after the beep.
	This is a boring answering machine message.  Leave a message
	anyway.  (Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to
	hear your latest exciting message.)
	(Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:)  Don't you
	ever wonder what life would be like?  ...
	(After being told by a friend that my greeting was too long:)
	This is Alan at 226-0477.  Jenny, this message is for you.
	BEEP.